Busy Signals

In the past few years, I've noticed a growing bad habit among my generation (myself included) of allowing our smart phones to be a crux for passing the time. We hardly know how to sit still and just BE anymore. What's worse, is this bad little habit is beginning to seep its way into our time spent with actual people. I've been to many a dinner, party, date, and friendly gathering where the company I'm keeping is interacting less with the actual live people in front of them, and more with those through their phones.

Imagine my excitement when I found this! It's more than a friendly gesture printed on a handkerchief (which in itself would have been very darling). This "phonekerchief" actually blocks the cell phone signal from your phone while it's wrapped up, allowing you to give your counter part your complete and undivided attention.

The manufacturer recommends this for a sweet Valentine's Day gift. I couldn't agree more! What is more romantic than having a genuinely good and uninterrupted conversation with the one you love?

Are You Pregnant?: Prenatal Faux Pas

My good friend and first time mother-to-be, Tiffany, recently posted this to her blog. Not having ever been pregnant myself, I have never been on the receiving end of most violations. So instead of trying to summarize or reword her etiquette guidance, I'm going to just plain copy and paste her insight.

Anyone who has been pregnant knows that all of a sudden, other women feel the need to bestow their advice and/or stories upon you. While I'm sure they are doing this out of love for me, I have reached a point where I feel like people might benefit from reading a bit of "pregnancy etiquette" if you will, for talking to a pregnant woman.

So here, in no particular order, is my unsolicited advice for you the next time you're around a pregnant woman.

Please ask before touching the belly. Don't get me wrong here, I love nothing more than to touch a pregnant stomach and to feel a baby moving in there. It's truly amazing. But please remember, to feel my baby, you have to lay your hands on my stomach, which just so happens to reside in my bubble. So before you run up and pop the bubble, just ask. Chances are, I'm going to say yes, but I feel like the polite thing to do is to make sure I'm ok with you molesting me! To be clear, I'm talking mostly about people I barely know here. I love for my friends to feel Aiden any time they want!

Please don't ask me how much weight I've gained. You would NEVER ask me that if I wasn't pregnant, so why would you ask me at a time when I weigh more than I ever have in my life? I'm certainly not going to tell you, so it's a waste of breath anyway.

Please don't make me feel like a bad mom because I'm planning on returning to work full time. It's very hard for me when people assume I'm taking a year off, and then when I tell them I'm not, they assume I'm going to go back part time. Then, when I tell them I'm going back full time, they usually respond with, "Oh, I'm sorry!" Don't be. It's a choice I'm making for myself. In a perfect world, would I rather work part time? Of course! But that's just not going to make ends meet for our little family, and I'm ok with that. You should be too.

Don't encourage me to eat more because I'm "eating for two." Maybe I am, but do you know how big my baby's stomach is? Take a look at your fingernail. That's about it.

Please don't share your labor and delivery story with me unless I ask. For some reason, the people with the worst stories seem to want to share them the most. Give me a break! I've never done this before. I'm already worried enough as it is! I don't need to hear about how it was too late for you to get the drugs, then you pushed for 100 hours, only to end up having a C-section!

Don't try to talk me into natural child birth. Please understand, I have the utmost respect for women who do this. You are incredible! And yes, I know every woman is capable of doing this. However, I also know enough about myself to know that I'm going to want something to ease the pain. And I feel GREAT about asking for it!

From my pregnant friends:

Please don't give me unsolicited advice on how to get rid of morning, afternoon, night, or all the time sickness. If I ask, share all of your remedies. But otherwise, I've already tried everything. Nothing is helping it. I am now using the toilet as a wishing well that it will end soon.

Please don't tell me you're REALLY hoping and praying I'm having a boy just because I already have girls (or vice versa). Just hope I'm having a healthy baby. That's what I'm hoping for! Also, please don't tell me I should hope for a boy/girl because they are so much better/easier/more fun than the other sex, AS IF I have some control over it!

Don't ask how far along I am, and then when I tell you, gasp and say, "Oh wow! I thought you were WAY further along than that!" Seriously? Did you just hear yourself? And please, do NOT make any implication that you wonder if I'm having twins!



I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post. I just felt like getting some of these things off my chest. I already have the daily stress of carrying this baby and doing my best to make sure he's as healthy as possible. Please don't add to the stress level. Thank you!

Facebook Manners: Part Two

The topic of social media manners has been addressed in the past, but with the ever changing medium, comes ever changing guidelines. Recently, I received a request to approach etiquette guidelines for Facebook; more specifically the non-friend friending you.

Let's discuss...

As someone looking to connect on Facebook, what are the appropriate parameters for "friending" someone?

Leave the six degrees of Kevin Bacon out of it. If you haven't actually met this person, friending is a little questionable. If you desire to get in touch with a friend of a friend, I suggest emailing them first; explain why you're touching base, and go from there. Old classmates are probably the biggest exception here. Half of the fun of Facebook is checking in on all the people you went to school with. Once again though, if it's someone you didn't actually "hang out" with during your school days, an introductory email is the best way to ensure a future Facebook friendship.

If you're on the other side of the Facebook friending spectrum and are receiving Friend Requests from people you would prefer not to connect with, what is the best way to approach their requests?

A good friend of mine has this posted under his bio: "I only add friends here...it's too much work otherwise"
Writing something to this affect that is visible under public view should suffice. If additional requests come through, it's truly a case by case decision of how to proceed. Options are to simply block said friend requester, deny their request, or email them back. Personally, I'd most likely opt for the first choice.

Another new item for discussion on Facebook is the topic of the Status Update. This little 420 character sharing portal can be really tempting to use as a venting medium, a place to share an inside joke, or to report your day's occurrences. Unfortunately, the rest of us (i.e. your Facebook "friends") don't always love to hear what time you woke up, what you are having for lunch, or why you are so excited it's finally Friday. As suggested by Women's Health, things to avoid in your newsfeed postings should  include the following:

• Anything depressing. Going through a rough time? So are most of us. Life is hard, we get it. It's also hard for your friends to offer encouragement online. Save the heart to hearts for people who can actually hold your hand and tell you (in person) that everything's going to be OK.
• Your daily agenda. This is what secretaries and personal assistants were created for.
• Child/ pet news. This is a tough one for me. I, of course, think that I have the cutest, funniest dog around. However, my friends in cyberspace will probably argue otherwise. Instead of discussing the fact that little Tommy now likes to eat fresh pears instead of canned, opt to use FB for posting big exciting milestones.
• People, things, projects, and work that annoy you. A hard lesson learned from a very dear friend, sometimes the slightest reference to work that can be perceived in a negative light can find you in some very serious situations. Play it safe and keep your irritations offline.
• Things overtly political, religious, or opinionated. I know that this may sound counter-intuitive. After all, it is your Facebook page. And I do think it's appropriate to share some things that you feel passionate about. However, the frequent re-posting of articles from every current controversial topic can be a little much.
  All I can offer to my point is this: Of any friends I have removed or blocked from my newsfeed, the reasons behind it were simply that their feeds and tweets were consistently over-opinionated and frankly annoying. I don't log into Facebook for a lecture. It's my break from work and the everyday. The sporadic soapbox plea is fine, but please don't let this become a daily occurrence.

Last, I thought I'd close with some new terms concocted by Ad Age to help explaing our new generation's social behaviors. By the time they have been posted, they will most likely already be out of date.
Behold, the 2010 Social Media and Mobile Glossary:

Hash bragger: A person who consistently (and annoyingly) uses hash tags to brag about exploits, exclusive conferences or envious travel. Often uses multiple hash tags.

Faux pocket pas: That all too common (and always embarrassing) situation where your iPhone, Blackberry or Droid phone misfires to someone you'd rather not call -- often in the middle of the night. Can put major stress on relationships. App-happy children are also known to trigger such misfires.

Geo crasher: A person so intent on following a GPS-powered map or app that they can barely walk straight. Inevitably they crash into everyone -- in airports, on sidewalks, in ballroom stalls.
 (I have seriously done this MULTIPLE times... oops)

Textgression: The curious migration of adults into youth behavior, habits and practices, especially when it comes to texting. Here our language quickly digresses into comedic short-form. R U w/me?

Top squatter: A person who reads, tries or buys anything at the top of the "best of" or "most shared" lists, whether it's iTunes, apps, Huffington Post, Ad Age or New York Times. This person never slips beneath the fray.

Tag stab: The injury inflicted when someone is inappropriately tagged in compromising, unflattering or just plain stupid social "moments." Mostly unavoidable, unless all cameras are "checked at the door."

Password penitence: The need to continually use the "Forgot my password" function on websites, services and applications-often digital overload. (Courtesy of friend John Stieger, consumer-relations leader at Procter & Gamble.) 

Like meister: That person on Facebook who "likes" everything. Borders on compulsive. Even the goofiest photos get likes.

Pal purgatory: When you put a friend request on hold, sometimes indefinitely, via Facebook or Twitter.

Going up

Living in an apartment, one thing I spend quite a lot of time in on a daily basis is my building's elevator. I must admit I'm a bit frustrated by the constant lack of courtesy.
For those of us who are frequent  riders, may I suggest a few simple guidelines:

• If you have called the elevator, upon its arrival please WAIT two seconds after the door has opened to allow any and all passengers to exit. Even if it is 3 AM, there is still a chance someone else is needing to get off the lift and there is nothing more frustrating than running into someone who simply couldn't wait for the doors to open. (as I recall from my days of working in a downtown office, this problem was even more prevalent during rush hour when there is a car full of expectant riders and a car full of those exiting.)
• Although we are the generation who is perpetually in a hurry, please remember some consideration for your home and work neighbor. If you see a person out of the corner of your eye rushing to catch the elevator, hold the car. This is especially true when said neighbor is carrying armloads of groceries.
• And finally, for some lovely icing on the cake, a small comment or conversation is an easy way to be neighborly. It can be as simple as "Have a nice day." This small token will be appreciated and likely remembered by your fellow passenger.

I'd Like to Make a Toast

With holiday family dinners and cocktail parties, comes the urge to share gratitude and sentiment to all. While it's wonderful to take a moment to appreciate the evening, there are a few guidelines for toasts to keep in mind:

• A toast should be polished, brief, and heartfelt
• Stand when speaking
• The host or hostess should be the one to give the first toast
• Be witty and whimsical. If public speaking is not a strong point, practice a few lines beforehand
• Avoid notes and notecards, this isn't a speech
• Don't forget your exit: I've heard too many toasts that end with an awkward "So, um, that's all I have to say..." it's anticlimactic and leaves guests hanging. The easiest and most classic exit is to simply raise your glass a tad higher (this will alert the party you are wrapping things up) and give a "Cheers!"
• Above all, be yourself

Excuse Me

Cold and flu season is upon us. With the added fear of H1N1 flu strain, proper etiquette for an illness and prevention looks more like germaphobia than common courtesy. Companies who, in prior years, may have indirectly communicated the expectation to work while under the weather, are now encouraging employees to work from home or take time off until they feel better. In fact, many health care companies have released reports showing the cost of presenteeism is far greater than absenteeism. In other words, it's cheaper to your employer if you stay home instead of suffering at work. (Keep in mind you are most contagious two to three days after the first cold symptoms appear. You can pass the flu along one day before symptoms develop and up to five days after becoming sick.)

In 1978, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette suggests that "When you sneeze or cough, especially in close quarters on a crowded bus or in an elevator, do it in your handkerchief, with your face turned away from those closest to you. Always say "Excuse me, please" afterward.

These days, if you do find yourself needing to leave the house while feeling unwell, there are additional precautions to take to prevent germs from spreading.

• Step out of the room if you need to sneeze or cough


• If this isn't possible to do in time, cover your nose or mouth with the crook of your elbow. This will mask germs much better than your hand, and has a lower risk of passing them on.


• Although handkerchiefs may still have a place in decorating suit coat pockets and catching a tear or two, during a cold, opt for a disposable tissue for sneezes instead.


• Hand washing is the best prevention for spreading germs! Wash, wash, wash!


• Hand sanitizer is a good back up to use when a sink is not around. Additionally, use sanitizer wipes to clean off door knobs, counters, hard surfaces, handles, etc

Although traditional etiquette advises otherwise, while under the weather, don't shake anyone's hand. Explain that you are ill and don't want to pass it along. If you have any social commitments, it's best to cancel or reschedule. The hosts or guests should be understanding.

image from Real Simple

More Tips for the Facebook Forum

What to do when:

Someone posts or tags a less than flattering photo of you

Email them through Facebook and mention you would prefer the unphotogenic picture be removed. It's also possible to untag yourself in the mean time.

An individual repeatedly sends over a Friend Request (this seems to happen more than expected. Oftentimes, it's a friend of a friend or someone simply looking to add people to his or her profile).

I don't believe it's necessary to send an explanation to the person as to why you aren't interested in making the connection. If a friend request is denied, there is no communication sent over to the sender that you have done so. If the request is sent more than once or twice, my suggestion is to block them. On the blocked end, this will look like your profile is no longer active. If you have mutual friends, your name and pictures from past posts will still be there in an unlinkable form, but any future communication will be invisible.

I have also gotten into the habit of emailing the mutual friends I have with the unknown person who has sent the request. More often than not, there is a domino affect of friend acceptance (my friend didn't know them either but had 5 mutual friends and so accepted the request, and so on).

You, yourself are deleted

If it's someone you didn't know well, try not to take it personally. It might just be that the individual who deleted you is trying to edit down their contacts to those he or she is close to.

If it is someone you knew well (aka someone in "real life"), my suggestion is to email them for confirmation of this decision. Give them the benefit of the doubt that it could be a glitch. If by chance this was done intentionally, at least you have tried to open the lines of communication to discuss any issues.

Someone in your network is posting more updates than you care to read

Simply click to the right of their most recent posting and opt to "hide" them. You will no longer receive any future postings.

A good guideline to follow is not to act on Facebook any differently than you would in person. The separation from interaction provided by our computers often lends itself to things we wouldn't necessarily do or say face to face. My belief and goal is to use social media to enhance communications, not replace it.

Facebook: Computer Friends Deserve Manners too

It's all too easy to use the Internet as a means to stay in contact with people. In fact, ever since social media became a daily part of most people's lives, the Internet has made it possible to create a habit of monitoring friends and acquaintances without any real interaction at all.

I wanted to address this issue, because I am simultaneously guilty and frustrated with this fact. Admittedly, I'm hesitant to attend my own high school reunion for the simple fact that I'm not a fan of small talk, and Facebook has taken the mystery out of what my classmates have been up to the past ten years.
On a similar note, I try to keep my own FB friends to people I know and have kept in touch with to some degree. I realize that social media can be a great medium for networking and expanding one's connections. At this point, however, I'm taking the old fashioned route and keeping my FB network to personal contacts.

Although Emily Post never dealt with such informal interaction, she did have some things to say about leaving invitations for social occasions:

"A card should always be left with the first invitation to a stranger who has brought a letter of introduction, and it is polite - though not necessary - to ask to be received."

FB Application: When connecting with an old friend, if I am the one who sends out the request, I try to write a few sentences, just to say hello again. If I am on the receiving end of a request without a message, I like to accept the invite with a quick greeting as well. These two steps take only a few minutes and help to keep the connection on Facebook personal.

In terms of making one's place in the community:

"You who are establishing yourself, choose to have the populace look upon you because of your wealth and fashion, or would you wish to be loved, not as a power conferring favors which belong really to the first picture, but as a fellow-being with an understanding heart?"
Emily Post Etiquette 1924

Facebook Application: Is it worth adding as many friends as possible just to appear popular? Or would you rather keep the people connected to you, those who actually know and care about you?

Aside from dealing with the acquisition of friends on Facebook, here are some other helpful tips for relationships, both platonic and romantic alike.

The Gracious Hostess

"In a perfectly managed house, a woman guest, if she so desires, may have breakfast in bed...

The perfect hostess:

The ideal hostess must have so many perfections of sense and character that were she described in full, no one seemingly but a combination of seer and angel could ever hope to qualify. She must first of all consider the inclinations of her guest; she must not only make them as comfortable as the arrangements and limits of her establishment permit, but she must subordinate her own inclinations utterly."

Emily Post Etiquette 1921

Although my establishment is much more limiting than Emily's manor, being a gracious host is important to me and can make all the difference to guests who are visiting. There are simple small steps that can be made to help a visitor feel more at ease, if not more at home.

Try to provide your guest with privacy and some space they can call their own. If you have a guest bedroom, stock it up with clean sheets and plenty of towels in various sizes. Other nice accommodations are closet space or a hanging rack, an bedside clock, reading lamp, regional magazines highlighting things to do in the area, fresh flowers, scented candles, and a pitcher and glass for water. Provide directions around the house to other necessities they may need during their stay: dishware for night snacks, iron and ironing board, remote control for the TV, and how to use the coffee pot. In the kitchen, I try to bake a few items that are easy to grab and tasty for breakfast and snacks (make sure to check with any dietary needs your guests might have though).

If you are sharing a bathroom space, discuss your morning and evening preparatory schedule with them. Offer the bathroom to your guest first, yourself second. In the evenings, try to get your bedtime routine finished early to open the bathroom up to your visitor at their convenience.

Just as you stock the guest bedroom or space, offering toiletries is a nice addition. An array of fancy soaps and shampoos are a nice treat for the retreat. Essentials like Q tips, cotton balls, and an extra toothbrush are also helpful. Kate Spade recommends plenty of Advil on hand with a note "from the hangover fairy" ~ too cute.

If you find you don't have the time, funds or space to turn your pad into a weekend bed and breakfast, keep in mind that a warm home, good food and your company are really all your guests desire.

Alternative Guest Tips:

In my research for yesterday's post, I found hints for being a proper guest, of the more colorful nature. They were too good not to share.

From Barney's Simon Doonan in 2001's Hampton Living:

• Cancel, don't show up, or leave early. People invite guests out in a spirit of misguided enthusiasm and then regret it horribly.
• Keep to your room. The old Victorian principle of child-rearing applies to guests as well: They should be neither seen nor heard.
• If you must leave your room, laugh raucously at everything your host says. Compliment him on his skin tone and lack of varicose veins. And don't mention his alcohol intake, flatulence, or lack of personal style.
• Ignore household vermin and don't comment on the ticks in the backyard.
• Give your host a huge gift certificate to Barneys.

And from How to be a Good Houseguest in the New York edition of Daily Candy, June 29, 2000

Summer can mean many things to many people. A carefully thought-out suntan, open-toe sandals, alfresco dining, a reason to scope out a new summer scent, half-day Fridays …

Most important: the weekend getaway.

So unless you’ve got that sprawling pad in East Hampton, you’re probably going to mooch. We suggest you do it properly.

The DailyCandy rules: How to be a good houseguest.

1. Flush.
2. Wear deodorant.
3. Leave the Britney Spears CD at home.
4. Use your own goddamn razor.
5. Pick up your towel off the floor.
6. Don’t go around singing “Time to wake up!” just because you’re up at 8 a.m.
7. Don’t track sand into the house.
8. Don’t complain about your sunburn; it’s your own fault.
9. Leave the cat at home.
10. Save the bad jokes for the office.
11. Put the dishes in dishwasher (silverware heads-up!).
12. Don’t give your parents the phone number.
13. Zima is not an appropriate thank-you-for-having-me gift.

Guest of Honor

I remember reading an article a few years ago on how to be a proper weekend house guest. The article consisted mainly of tips for guests who are visiting beach or summer homes. Being in college at the time, the only frame of reference I had as a guest was crashing at friend's apartment or sorority house on road trips to various nearby colleges. It was a treat just to have a place of your own, let alone a "weekend home" as well.

This summer, I finally turned the corner. I've had the pleasure of a few experiences where my destination was to someone's vacation home. I found myself trying to think back to this article, looking for tips to be the best possible guest (of course these tips apply as a guest to anyone's home)

While I couldn't locate the original article, I turned to The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952 for some guidance. Some of my favorite points (both ridiculous and applicable)

• Organize your luggage well ahead of time. You may need a new piece. Don't arrive in a car looking like a bunch of gypsies, carrying everything in tote bags and shopping bags. Borrow proper luggage if necessary.
• Arrange your own transportation to and from the destination home.
• Unless they are specifically invited, do not bring your children or pets.
• On the subject of children, don't criticize or try to discipline your host's children, even if they desperately need it.
• Don't rush out to the kitchen to help with anything and everything. Ask your hostess what helping hand you can extend, and when. If she's experienced in having house guests and has no hired help, she will tell you.

More general guidelines for today:

• Discuss the schedule for the time period you are staying. Your host/ess may have an agenda you are not aware of. There may also be times where you, as a guest, are expected to find activities to fill your time.
• Be neat and tidy. Whether you are lucky enough to have your own area, or share quarters, keep everything as clean as possible. Remake the bed in the morning, make sure the bathroom sink and counters aren't wet or messy, neatly hang the towels, rinse off or wash your own glasses and dishes, and keep your belongings together. If you don't have a closet or dresser to use, try to keep things near or in your suitcase.
• Keep your opinions to yourself. Is something dirty? Spot a spider in your room? Think morning coffee tastes better with half and half instead of the coffeemate your host keeps on hand? While these may just seem like simple conversation items to you, your host may interpret it as criticism.
• This is not the time to be fashionably late. Try to be on time for all scheduled group events. It's always extra effort to arrange logistics for more people. Don't be the person everyone is waiting for.
• Bring a hostess gift and leave a thank you note. Come with a token of gratitude for your stay. General ideas are flowers, candles, specialty food and wine, a delicacy native to your hometown (coffee from Seattle, specialty cheese from Wisconsin, sour dough cookbook from San Francisco...), or anything specific your host would appreciate. My mom always kept a cabinet full of cards and gifts for just this occasion. Whenever we were invited for dinner or as guests, she had a ready selection to choose from. This is something I'm currently working on building myself. Leave or send a thank you note after your visit.
• Don't overstay your welcome. Although everyone may be getting along famously, do not mistake this for an invitation to stay longer. Unless specifically requested by the host, keep to the original schedule of arrival and departure.
• Last, leave your area cleaner than you found it. Remove and gather all linens (towels, sheets, etc). Collect them into the pillow cases and place them by the washer and dryer. If possible, wash your own linens and/ or replace them with clean ones. Thoroughly clean the bathroom, sweep your area, and double check for any left items. Chances are your hosts are either expecting new guests, or will be leaving the weekend home themselves soon after.

Allow Me to Introduce

Making proper introductions seemed like the most appropriate place to start for my first post. There are two things worth addressing when meeting or introducing people.

First the handshake.

Emily suggests “ When gentlemen are introduced to each other, they always shake hands.” This is still applicable today; a firm, short, handshake is appropriate. This rule is also fitting for two women who are introduced.

“When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, she generally merely smiles, bows slightly and says: ‘How do you do!’ Strictly speaking, it is her place to offer her hand or not, as she chooses; but if he puts out his hand she of course gives him hers. Nothing could be more ill – bred than to treat curtly any overture made in spontaneous friendliness”

This obviously sounds outdated; however, there is some truth that still stands here. First and foremost the limp hand is an absolute no. Men, women’s hands will not crumble under your strength. Please offer the same firm grip, if not ever so slightly adjusted, to women counterparts. They will survive, I promise. Likewise, for all the ladies out there, a floppy fish hand does nothing for your first impression. Assert yourself. This goes for the half – hand handshake as well. He’s not going to kiss your hand (and if the guy does… don't hesitate, run! you’re treading awfully close to “that guy” water).

Here’s the exception, where Mrs. Post’s tip still applies. If you’re given a flimsy grip from the person you’re being introduced to, match the shake instead of “firming it up”. This would be the “friendly” thing to do by not correcting what you’ve been offered.

What to say during an introduction

I’m not going to delve specifically into what to say… formal introductions in formal settings, and informal when informal… you get the picture.

"When to make an introduction – A small group of people who are sitting together anywhere, partners at dinner, the guests at a house party (or any party), and a late comer to a group of already gathered people."

How many times has this happened to you, a friend joins a conversation you have been having with someone you just met. Clearly an introduction is in order, but what if you forgot the new person’s name?

I find myself here all the time. I’m terrible with names. What's more, I always question whether I heard/ remembered a name right. With a name like Carina, I’ve been called Catrina or Corinne too many times. It’s annoying but I don’t usually correct the person. Although Emily suggests otherwise (“Never introduce one person to another by saying “my friend,” it implies Mrs. Smith is ‘my friend and you are a stranger’”) my suggestion is to present your friend and leave it open ended. Ninety – nine percent of the time, the new person will take the liberty of filling in the gap and introduce themselves. Take this escape as a second chance to remember and repeat their names, never making the slip up with this person again.