Alternative Guest Tips:

In my research for yesterday's post, I found hints for being a proper guest, of the more colorful nature. They were too good not to share.

From Barney's Simon Doonan in 2001's Hampton Living:

• Cancel, don't show up, or leave early. People invite guests out in a spirit of misguided enthusiasm and then regret it horribly.
• Keep to your room. The old Victorian principle of child-rearing applies to guests as well: They should be neither seen nor heard.
• If you must leave your room, laugh raucously at everything your host says. Compliment him on his skin tone and lack of varicose veins. And don't mention his alcohol intake, flatulence, or lack of personal style.
• Ignore household vermin and don't comment on the ticks in the backyard.
• Give your host a huge gift certificate to Barneys.

And from How to be a Good Houseguest in the New York edition of Daily Candy, June 29, 2000

Summer can mean many things to many people. A carefully thought-out suntan, open-toe sandals, alfresco dining, a reason to scope out a new summer scent, half-day Fridays …

Most important: the weekend getaway.

So unless you’ve got that sprawling pad in East Hampton, you’re probably going to mooch. We suggest you do it properly.

The DailyCandy rules: How to be a good houseguest.

1. Flush.
2. Wear deodorant.
3. Leave the Britney Spears CD at home.
4. Use your own goddamn razor.
5. Pick up your towel off the floor.
6. Don’t go around singing “Time to wake up!” just because you’re up at 8 a.m.
7. Don’t track sand into the house.
8. Don’t complain about your sunburn; it’s your own fault.
9. Leave the cat at home.
10. Save the bad jokes for the office.
11. Put the dishes in dishwasher (silverware heads-up!).
12. Don’t give your parents the phone number.
13. Zima is not an appropriate thank-you-for-having-me gift.