The Well Dressed Man

As a follow up to last week's blog, I've been doing some research to outline tips for dressing well, the gentleman's edition. Of course, like the previous post, these tips can be applicable to both sexes.

According to Mr. Paul T. Gilbert of 1921's The Key to Culture, "To be well dressed is the desire of most every normal person. It is often felt that in dress one has the opportunity of expressing one's individuality, and to a certain extent, this is true. Yet so often, this privilege is abused, and it deserves a word of caution.... Those who have the distinction of being well dressed are those who avoid following extreme styles and are more concerned with the quality of material, unnecessary buttons, extreme length or shortness, and tightness of shirts must always be considered in poor taste."

To the modern man, these tips still apply. Though men's apparel tends to be the more traditional of the two genders, there are some habits of modern dress we could benefit from leaving behind.

• Pleated pants. The style is dated, and despite popular opinion, they do not give the appearance of a slimmer waistline. More often than not, pleated slacks are purchased too large and thus give the opposite illusion.
• Suspenders or a belt, never both.
• The Canadian tuxedo. Jeans and jean jackets are like oil and water, the two don't mix together. Period.
• Logo/slogan T-shirts. It doesn't matter how funny the shirt may seem at the time of purchase. Exceptions are actual vintage shirts, logos and sayings for companies and teams the wearer is actually affiliated with, and artistic prints (designed by a real bona fide artist).
• Undergarments are meant to be just that - under your garments.
• Cargo and carpenter pants. These have been out of style since I was in high school.
• If it's stained or torn, discard.
• Tennis shoes are for sports. They are not all purpose footwear.

Contrary to what Mr. Gilbert claims, there are a handful of guys who can carry an extreme style.

My rule of thumb for trends are: "if you aren't sure whether or not you can pull it off, you probably can't."
You should feel comfortable in the clothes you wear. If you can't own a trendy look, opt for a classic alternative.

Finally, check out this article by Jeffrey Tucker. He walks through the specifics of suit buying, tie tying, and generally looking presentable.

Keeping Up Appearances

Recently, I have received a reminder of how important it is to have a suitable appearance in public. Working from home hasn't helped matters much for me. Unless I'm going into the office, I hardly wear makeup or nice clothing (the Texas heat doesn't help either). This means that during the day if I need to take a break and run an errand or two, I'm most likely wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants with my hair in a pony tail.

Last week, I ran into a VERY important professional contact on one such occasion. She was a friend of a friend, and this was our first introduction. She was polished from head to toe in couture, I was wearing Bermuda shorts and flip flops. Trying my best to rise above the way I looked, I made an effort to begin a conversation on my interest in her business. I was completely written off. Crushed, I resolved never to be caught in this situation again...

Two days later I ran into her... again. Sadly, I looked no better than I had on our first meeting. I said a quick hello, and shyly continued on my way.

This bring me to today's etiquette guidelines on the importance of looking presentable.

Our vintage advice comes from a 1958 Secretarial and Finishing Course by Nancy Taylor. This four volume set teaches everything from "getting to know yourself", "modeling maneuvers", "sitting correctly", and being beautiful "from your fingers to your toes."

The powder pink pages teach on "How to be Dainty at All Times"


"Men in all walks of life feel instinctively that a girl with glossy hair, clean skin and shiny teeth, who is fresh as a daisy from her head to her toes, is somehow delightfully feminine. And the girl who can keep herself trim as a sailing craft, who shines like a newly minted penny, is apt to look well year after year. For her grooming is the result of a consistent effort to maintain a high standard. And that standard will be good whether she has lots of natural beauty to do with, or little... Let's consider this a small lesson: good grooming will earn you the title of the sweetest girl in town. Once you learn to care for your clothes, you'll be the neatest girl in town!"

Transitioning from the 50s to today, my general rule of thumb (now) is to consider how you look for where you are going. Of course not all destinations require dressing to the nines... maybe just the eights.

However, a good thought to keep in mind: would you be embarrassed to run into anyone? Consider the people you want to make a good impression on: old high school friend, boss or coworker, family member, an crush/ex, or a potential employer. I blew not one but two chances to build a good connection, simply because I wasn't able to give a solid first impression.

Airplane travel may be one of the worst catalysts for improper dressing. Comfort seems to be the main concern, especially on long flights. However, airplanes are one of the most important places to look put together. Many of my friends have made important professional contacts on a flights.

Comfort doesn't have to equate to laziness. I for one, don't have the time or energy to put the whole package together each morning, but a coat of mascara, non-chipped nails, a summer dress, and some accessories are everyday easy and just as comfortable as yoga pants.

Taking pride in one's appearance tells people they take pride in themself, their work and their life.

Alternative Guest Tips:

In my research for yesterday's post, I found hints for being a proper guest, of the more colorful nature. They were too good not to share.

From Barney's Simon Doonan in 2001's Hampton Living:

• Cancel, don't show up, or leave early. People invite guests out in a spirit of misguided enthusiasm and then regret it horribly.
• Keep to your room. The old Victorian principle of child-rearing applies to guests as well: They should be neither seen nor heard.
• If you must leave your room, laugh raucously at everything your host says. Compliment him on his skin tone and lack of varicose veins. And don't mention his alcohol intake, flatulence, or lack of personal style.
• Ignore household vermin and don't comment on the ticks in the backyard.
• Give your host a huge gift certificate to Barneys.

And from How to be a Good Houseguest in the New York edition of Daily Candy, June 29, 2000

Summer can mean many things to many people. A carefully thought-out suntan, open-toe sandals, alfresco dining, a reason to scope out a new summer scent, half-day Fridays …

Most important: the weekend getaway.

So unless you’ve got that sprawling pad in East Hampton, you’re probably going to mooch. We suggest you do it properly.

The DailyCandy rules: How to be a good houseguest.

1. Flush.
2. Wear deodorant.
3. Leave the Britney Spears CD at home.
4. Use your own goddamn razor.
5. Pick up your towel off the floor.
6. Don’t go around singing “Time to wake up!” just because you’re up at 8 a.m.
7. Don’t track sand into the house.
8. Don’t complain about your sunburn; it’s your own fault.
9. Leave the cat at home.
10. Save the bad jokes for the office.
11. Put the dishes in dishwasher (silverware heads-up!).
12. Don’t give your parents the phone number.
13. Zima is not an appropriate thank-you-for-having-me gift.

Guest of Honor

I remember reading an article a few years ago on how to be a proper weekend house guest. The article consisted mainly of tips for guests who are visiting beach or summer homes. Being in college at the time, the only frame of reference I had as a guest was crashing at friend's apartment or sorority house on road trips to various nearby colleges. It was a treat just to have a place of your own, let alone a "weekend home" as well.

This summer, I finally turned the corner. I've had the pleasure of a few experiences where my destination was to someone's vacation home. I found myself trying to think back to this article, looking for tips to be the best possible guest (of course these tips apply as a guest to anyone's home)

While I couldn't locate the original article, I turned to The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952 for some guidance. Some of my favorite points (both ridiculous and applicable)

• Organize your luggage well ahead of time. You may need a new piece. Don't arrive in a car looking like a bunch of gypsies, carrying everything in tote bags and shopping bags. Borrow proper luggage if necessary.
• Arrange your own transportation to and from the destination home.
• Unless they are specifically invited, do not bring your children or pets.
• On the subject of children, don't criticize or try to discipline your host's children, even if they desperately need it.
• Don't rush out to the kitchen to help with anything and everything. Ask your hostess what helping hand you can extend, and when. If she's experienced in having house guests and has no hired help, she will tell you.

More general guidelines for today:

• Discuss the schedule for the time period you are staying. Your host/ess may have an agenda you are not aware of. There may also be times where you, as a guest, are expected to find activities to fill your time.
• Be neat and tidy. Whether you are lucky enough to have your own area, or share quarters, keep everything as clean as possible. Remake the bed in the morning, make sure the bathroom sink and counters aren't wet or messy, neatly hang the towels, rinse off or wash your own glasses and dishes, and keep your belongings together. If you don't have a closet or dresser to use, try to keep things near or in your suitcase.
• Keep your opinions to yourself. Is something dirty? Spot a spider in your room? Think morning coffee tastes better with half and half instead of the coffeemate your host keeps on hand? While these may just seem like simple conversation items to you, your host may interpret it as criticism.
• This is not the time to be fashionably late. Try to be on time for all scheduled group events. It's always extra effort to arrange logistics for more people. Don't be the person everyone is waiting for.
• Bring a hostess gift and leave a thank you note. Come with a token of gratitude for your stay. General ideas are flowers, candles, specialty food and wine, a delicacy native to your hometown (coffee from Seattle, specialty cheese from Wisconsin, sour dough cookbook from San Francisco...), or anything specific your host would appreciate. My mom always kept a cabinet full of cards and gifts for just this occasion. Whenever we were invited for dinner or as guests, she had a ready selection to choose from. This is something I'm currently working on building myself. Leave or send a thank you note after your visit.
• Don't overstay your welcome. Although everyone may be getting along famously, do not mistake this for an invitation to stay longer. Unless specifically requested by the host, keep to the original schedule of arrival and departure.
• Last, leave your area cleaner than you found it. Remove and gather all linens (towels, sheets, etc). Collect them into the pillow cases and place them by the washer and dryer. If possible, wash your own linens and/ or replace them with clean ones. Thoroughly clean the bathroom, sweep your area, and double check for any left items. Chances are your hosts are either expecting new guests, or will be leaving the weekend home themselves soon after.

Quote of the Day

"Manners must not be stilted, self-conscious, or artificial. Therefore it is dangerous to have one system, or no system. This is apt to cause (dinner - table) insecurity later in life."

From Walter Hoving's Tiffany's Table Manners for Teenagers, 1961

Although this specifically speaks to manners at the table, the same can be said for all etiquette. It is more of an art than a science and always up for interpretation.

(This is also why I rely on many sources for guidelines, from the past to the present. Use the tips that make sense and apply to your life)

Wedding Series: The ceremony is over, now let's party!

The reception holds more time and money than any other part of the the big day. It also holds the most opportunities for an etiquette faux pas. Receptions have quickly gained the unfortunate reputation of being cheesy. With a bad DJ, never ending money dance, and tough chicken parmesan, it's no wonder. However, when done right, the reception can be what it was always intended to be: An awesome party.

Tables and seating:
"Place cards are not put on any of the small tables. All guests, except the few placed at the two reserved tables (bridal party) sit with whom they please. Sometimes they do so by pre-arrangement, but usually they sit where they happen to find friends_ and room." Emily Post's Etiquette 1924

The same still applies today. Formal receptions with sit down dinners and pre-selected menu items do require table arrangements. If this is the case, let the rule be ALL or NOTHING. A little birdie told me of a wedding she recently attended where the majority of the reception was assigned seating, however she and her party were given choice of one of the two "open seating" tables. (That is almost worse than getting seated with dreaded singles or children!)


Of my friends who did opt for assigned seating, most say if they knew then what they know now, they would not have taken the time to do so. This task is labor intensive, waiting on RSVPs, being careful not to seat old flames or rivals near each other. From my observation, Emily hit it right on the nose: let people seat themselves.

Do me a favor:
We've all come away with them: a tulle bag of jordan almonds, engraved picture frames with the wedding date, metal bells tied with ribbon, wind chimes, and bottles of bubbles. Favors have somehow made their way into the wedding fare, and unfortunately the land fills. The truth is they tend to be a waste of money and the tokens of the day usually get tossed. In an effort to define new etiquette, I am willing to take a stand and say: Don't do it!

Guests are happy enough to be part of a couple's special day. Plus, with digital photography and social media, pictures of the wedding can be accessed almost immediately. I think having these photos and memories of the occasion are favor enough.

For those traditionalists who wish to hold on to the wedding favor, my strong suggestion is to think edible. Candy buffets, late night take away snacks, or an upgrade on liquor will most certainly be a welcome treat to your guests.


Decor to last a lifetime:
Flowers are expensive and it may be tempting to go the silk route, as these blooms are sure to "stay fresh" much longer. With the exception of allergies or using Aunt Edna's vintage arrangement for nostalgic purposes, fresh flowers are a must. There are floral options to suit every budget. Even carnations are making a comeback. In another report from the world of wedding no no's, I heard of a wedding that featured real flowers in the ceremony and silk flowers as table centerpieces. The kicker here is that they were for sale to any guest who was interested. Eek! I was left speechless. Poor choices are no excuse for asking your guests to help out with the bad decor.


A few final notes on receptions:

• Please remember to keep the toasts short and sweet (avoid the contagious "open mic night")
• Smashing cake on faces hasn't been funny since 1980
• Don't push people to do anything they are not comfortable with (dancing, drinking, or bouquet catching)
• Speaking of singling out the singles, I would love, love, love to see the garter belt toss classed up a little. I know some people think seeing the groom "roaming" under the bride's skirt for that lacy band using only his teeth is hilarious. I, however, cringe every single time. I think Emily would agree with me, save it for the honeymoon.

Present day photos from Amorologyweddings.blogspot.com

Wedding Series: Gifting the Bride and Groom

There are no two ways around it: Weddings are expensive. The bride, groom, and their families are putting forth some serious funds for the occasion, the bridal parties are paying a hefty sum for attire, shoes, preparations, etc, and the guests contribute with gifts and showers leading up to the blessed event.

I myself have wondered, through the years, what are the appropriate perimeters around gifting and weddings?

First, of course, we'll check in with what Emily had to say:

"As soon as the invite is received, attendees are to send presents. Wedding presents are all sent to the bride's parent's home and according to the law, are her property. If because of illness or absence, a present is not sent until after the wedding, a short note should accompany it, giving the reason for the delay."

Fast forward fifty years to the guide from Miss Manners On Weddings, she suggests this:

"There is no social form, invitation, or announcement that translates as "present due"... when you accompany someone as their guest or date, but do not know the couple, it is acceptable to be included into your date's gift." Additionally, Miss Manners recommends that guests veer away from cash gifts (how exactly does one determine what the couple/ their wedding worth to you?), and traveling far distances to attend a wedding is not a substitute for a gift (Something that yours truly struggles with, being so far away from friends and family. It's my goal to "be there" and sometimes a struggle to purchase gifts in addition). It is also acceptable to buy something that is not on the registry that you feel will suit the couple well. However, my suggestion is to keep in mind, the couple registered for a reason.

Another pressing question: When attending multiple occasions leading up to a wedding (showers, bachelorette parties, and the wedding itself), how many gifts are appropriate to give?

Through experience and "research" I've come to this conclusion. Showers, by their very definition are for "showering" the bride with gifts to set up her household. Though some things have changed with many couples marrying later in life, it is still customary to arrive at a shower with gift in hand, especially if the planners have arranged a gift theme.

If you are attending more than one shower for the bride, do not feel obligated to bring gifts to multiple occasions. If you feel uncomfortable arriving empty-handed, bring a small memento or personal gift at the additional showers for the bride. Remember, it's the thought that counts.

Last but not least, I have heard that it is acceptable to send a wedding gift to the married couple up to a year after their wedding date. Good etiquette from The Emily Post Institute disagrees. According to them, it is proper and recommended to send a gift before the wedding. There are also many sources who suggest not bringing a gift to the wedding itself, as this can become a hassle to transport and keep track of.

Although I can't speak for all brides (well, since I have never been one, I suppose I can't speak for any of them. However), I will say this: What is important to the couple on their wedding day, is sharing this special moment with the important people in their lives. In the age of consumerism and materialistic value, dare I say that what matters most in life are those that we love and the time we spend with them. Not some silly toaster.

photo from abc.net.au