Millennial Manners

Returning with a Question

2012-01-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

I just about fell over when I realized that it's been almost an entire year since my last post.

Growing up, when I would lose my manners, my dad would just shake his head and ask if I was raised in the boerderij (Dutch for farm). Now that I actually live in an refurbished farmhouse, I would like to select this as my excuse for neglecting the blog for so long.

I've returned with a pressing question that I just can't seem to come to a conclusion:

With text taking over talk on our phones, is it acceptable to leave instructions on your voicemail to not leave a message but to text instead?

(Because let's face it, we've all thought this at one time)

Discuss.

Busy Signals

2011-02-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

In the past few years, I've noticed a growing bad habit among my generation (myself included) of allowing our smart phones to be a crux for passing the time. We hardly know how to sit still and just BE anymore. What's worse, is this bad little habit is beginning to seep its way into our time spent with actual people. I've been to many a dinner, party, date, and friendly gathering where the company I'm keeping is interacting less with the actual live people in front of them, and more with those through their phones.

Imagine my excitement when I found this! It's more than a friendly gesture printed on a handkerchief (which in itself would have been very darling). This "phonekerchief" actually blocks the cell phone signal from your phone while it's wrapped up, allowing you to give your counter part your complete and undivided attention.

The manufacturer recommends this for a sweet Valentine's Day gift. I couldn't agree more! What is more romantic than having a genuinely good and uninterrupted conversation with the one you love?

Are You Pregnant?: Prenatal Faux Pas

2010-12-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

My good friend and first time mother-to-be, Tiffany, recently posted this to her blog. Not having ever been pregnant myself, I have never been on the receiving end of most violations. So instead of trying to summarize or reword her etiquette guidance, I'm going to just plain copy and paste her insight.

Anyone who has been pregnant knows that all of a sudden, other women feel the need to bestow their advice and/or stories upon you. While I'm sure they are doing this out of love for me, I have reached a point where I feel like people might benefit from reading a bit of "pregnancy etiquette" if you will, for talking to a pregnant woman.

So here, in no particular order, is my unsolicited advice for you the next time you're around a pregnant woman.

Please ask before touching the belly. Don't get me wrong here, I love nothing more than to touch a pregnant stomach and to feel a baby moving in there. It's truly amazing. But please remember, to feel my baby, you have to lay your hands on my stomach, which just so happens to reside in my bubble. So before you run up and pop the bubble, just ask. Chances are, I'm going to say yes, but I feel like the polite thing to do is to make sure I'm ok with you molesting me! To be clear, I'm talking mostly about people I barely know here. I love for my friends to feel Aiden any time they want!

Please don't ask me how much weight I've gained. You would NEVER ask me that if I wasn't pregnant, so why would you ask me at a time when I weigh more than I ever have in my life? I'm certainly not going to tell you, so it's a waste of breath anyway.

Please don't make me feel like a bad mom because I'm planning on returning to work full time. It's very hard for me when people assume I'm taking a year off, and then when I tell them I'm not, they assume I'm going to go back part time. Then, when I tell them I'm going back full time, they usually respond with, "Oh, I'm sorry!" Don't be. It's a choice I'm making for myself. In a perfect world, would I rather work part time? Of course! But that's just not going to make ends meet for our little family, and I'm ok with that. You should be too.

Don't encourage me to eat more because I'm "eating for two." Maybe I am, but do you know how big my baby's stomach is? Take a look at your fingernail. That's about it.

Please don't share your labor and delivery story with me unless I ask. For some reason, the people with the worst stories seem to want to share them the most. Give me a break! I've never done this before. I'm already worried enough as it is! I don't need to hear about how it was too late for you to get the drugs, then you pushed for 100 hours, only to end up having a C-section!

Don't try to talk me into natural child birth. Please understand, I have the utmost respect for women who do this. You are incredible! And yes, I know every woman is capable of doing this. However, I also know enough about myself to know that I'm going to want something to ease the pain. And I feel GREAT about asking for it!

From my pregnant friends:

Please don't give me unsolicited advice on how to get rid of morning, afternoon, night, or all the time sickness. If I ask, share all of your remedies. But otherwise, I've already tried everything. Nothing is helping it. I am now using the toilet as a wishing well that it will end soon.

Please don't tell me you're REALLY hoping and praying I'm having a boy just because I already have girls (or vice versa). Just hope I'm having a healthy baby. That's what I'm hoping for! Also, please don't tell me I should hope for a boy/girl because they are so much better/easier/more fun than the other sex, AS IF I have some control over it!

Don't ask how far along I am, and then when I tell you, gasp and say, "Oh wow! I thought you were WAY further along than that!" Seriously? Did you just hear yourself? And please, do NOT make any implication that you wonder if I'm having twins!

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post. I just felt like getting some of these things off my chest. I already have the daily stress of carrying this baby and doing my best to make sure he's as healthy as possible. Please don't add to the stress level. Thank you!

Facebook Manners: Part Two

2010-10-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

The topic of social media manners has been addressed in the past, but with the ever changing medium, comes ever changing guidelines. Recently, I received a request to approach etiquette guidelines for Facebook; more specifically the non-friend friending you.

Let's discuss...

As someone looking to connect on Facebook, what are the appropriate parameters for "friending" someone?

Leave the six degrees of Kevin Bacon out of it. If you haven't actually met this person, friending is a little questionable. If you desire to get in touch with a friend of a friend, I suggest emailing them first; explain why you're touching base, and go from there. Old classmates are probably the biggest exception here. Half of the fun of Facebook is checking in on all the people you went to school with. Once again though, if it's someone you didn't actually "hang out" with during your school days, an introductory email is the best way to ensure a future Facebook friendship.

If you're on the other side of the Facebook friending spectrum and are receiving Friend Requests from people you would prefer not to connect with, what is the best way to approach their requests?

A good friend of mine has this posted under his bio: "I only add friends here...it's too much work otherwise"
Writing something to this affect that is visible under public view should suffice. If additional requests come through, it's truly a case by case decision of how to proceed. Options are to simply block said friend requester, deny their request, or email them back. Personally, I'd most likely opt for the first choice.

Another new item for discussion on Facebook is the topic of the Status Update. This little 420 character sharing portal can be really tempting to use as a venting medium, a place to share an inside joke, or to report your day's occurrences. Unfortunately, the rest of us (i.e. your Facebook "friends") don't always love to hear what time you woke up, what you are having for lunch, or why you are so excited it's finally Friday. As suggested by Women's Health, things to avoid in your newsfeed postings should include the following:

Anything depressing. Going through a rough time? So are most of us. Life is hard, we get it. It's also hard for your friends to offer encouragement online. Save the heart to hearts for people who can actually hold your hand and tell you (in person) that everything's going to be OK.
Your daily agenda. This is what secretaries and personal assistants were created for.
Child/ pet news. This is a tough one for me. I, of course, think that I have the cutest, funniest dog around. However, my friends in cyberspace will probably argue otherwise. Instead of discussing the fact that little Tommy now likes to eat fresh pears instead of canned, opt to use FB for posting big exciting milestones.
People, things, projects, and work that annoy you. A hard lesson learned from a very dear friend, sometimes the slightest reference to work that can be perceived in a negative light can find you in some very serious situations. Play it safe and keep your irritations offline.
Things overtly political, religious, or opinionated. I know that this may sound counter-intuitive. After all, it is your Facebook page. And I do think it's appropriate to share some things that you feel passionate about. However, the frequent re-posting of articles from every current controversial topic can be a little much.
All I can offer to my point is this: Of any friends I have removed or blocked from my newsfeed, the reasons behind it were simply that their feeds and tweets were consistently over-opinionated and frankly annoying. I don't log into Facebook for a lecture. It's my break from work and the everyday. The sporadic soapbox plea is fine, but please don't let this become a daily occurrence.

Last, I thought I'd close with some new terms concocted by Ad Age to help explaing our new generation's social behaviors. By the time they have been posted, they will most likely already be out of date.
Behold, the 2010 Social Media and Mobile Glossary:

Hash bragger: A person who consistently (and annoyingly) uses hash tags to brag about exploits, exclusive conferences or envious travel. Often uses multiple hash tags.

Faux pocket pas: That all too common (and always embarrassing) situation where your iPhone, Blackberry or Droid phone misfires to someone you'd rather not call -- often in the middle of the night. Can put major stress on relationships. App-happy children are also known to trigger such misfires.

Geo crasher: A person so intent on following a GPS-powered map or app that they can barely walk straight. Inevitably they crash into everyone -- in airports, on sidewalks, in ballroom stalls.
(I have seriously done this MULTIPLE times... oops)

Textgression: The curious migration of adults into youth behavior, habits and practices, especially when it comes to texting. Here our language quickly digresses into comedic short-form. R U w/me?

Top squatter: A person who reads, tries or buys anything at the top of the "best of" or "most shared" lists, whether it's iTunes, apps, Huffington Post, Ad Age or New York Times. This person never slips beneath the fray.

Tag stab: The injury inflicted when someone is inappropriately tagged in compromising, unflattering or just plain stupid social "moments." Mostly unavoidable, unless all cameras are "checked at the door."

Password penitence: The need to continually use the "Forgot my password" function on websites, services and applications-often digital overload. (Courtesy of friend John Stieger, consumer-relations leader at Procter & Gamble.)

Like meister: That person on Facebook who "likes" everything. Borders on compulsive. Even the goofiest photos get likes.

Pal purgatory: When you put a friend request on hold, sometimes indefinitely, via Facebook or Twitter.

Fly The Friendly Skies. Part Two. Now Boarding.

2010-09-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Congratulations. You have gracefully made your way past the security circus and to the boarding gate. Whew! It's easy sailing from here, right? Now's the time to just kick back relax and let everyone else do the work.

Ahem.

Unless you're boarding a private jet and literally have hired staff to do all the work, you still need to keep you social wits about you while flying commercially like the rest of us common folk. Like so many other guidelines for manners, friendly flying is truly about common sense and consideration for others. If I may elaborate:

Try to take care of everything before boarding. Visit the loo, buy a bottle of water, grab a snack (more about this in a few), prepare your carry-on luggage by organizing what you will need for the duration of the flight under the seat in front of you, and what can be left in the overhead compartment.

Wrap up all phone calls, business or otherwise. Although you can "technically" be on the phone until the airplane doors have closed, the close quarter seating arrangements and loud noise of the jets are not conducive for lengthy conversations. Your seat mates will thank you for wrapping things up early as well.

If you are flying an airline that arranges seating, be to sure request your placement before boarding with the ticketing staff. It is completely unacceptable to ask your neighbors to switch places because you need a little more leg room in the aisle. This also applies to those trying to play musical chairs so they may sit with their travel party (exceptions to this rule are, of course, requesting to sit with minors and those in need of additional assistance).

I myself am a big fan of checking out from reality the moment I get on board by grabbing a little shut eye. However, I'm aware that those next to me might have a different agenda and may be in the mood to chit chat. If my eye shades don't clue them in on my scheduled nap time, I'll indulge their wishes and converse. It doesn't need to be a long conversation, just a polite gesture that I'm open to communication. After all, I will be sitting next to these two people for several hours in very close quarters. It's important to keep them on my good side. Also keep in mind, you just never know who will be sitting next to you. My seat neighbors have ranged from film producers, a restaurateur, B level actors, clergy, politicians, soldiers coming home from serving abroad, and professionals with networking potential just to name a few.

Alternately, if you are the chit chatter, be aware of those around you who may have work to do or prefer to keep to themselves.

Airline food is a far cry from what it used to be. Peanuts or pretzels hardly satisfy the slightest of munchies. Airports have worked to offer a variety of meal options for travelers, and airlines are happy to allow this food on board. A word of caution though, choosing an enchilada burrito with extra onions will not only offend your neighbors, it might affect the whole plane. If a full meal is what you're craving, budget time before boarding to partake. Otherwise, keep your airplane snacks to food with minimal aroma.

Finally, use caution when reclining your seat. I know that when upright, the seats are incredibly uncomfortable. Unfortunately, if the person behind you is working on a laptop, balancing an infant, or trying to eat, a reclined chair makes their tasks that much harder. There is no right or wrong here, simply consider your neighbors (and hopefully they will do the same for you).

Hotels, Motels, and the Holiday Inn

2010-08-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked to weigh in on hotel etiquette, more specifically, etiquette for room service. As this is a broad subject, I'd like to break it down to a couple topics:

What is appropriate attire to wear when accepting room service?

Although hotels are meant to feel like a home away from home, it's important to remember some discretion when stepping out of your room or when others will be coming in. Try to be as covered up as possible. Lounge wear (sweats, pajamas) is acceptable. In a pinch, most hotels keep white robes in the closet near the door. Although I'm sure hotel employees have seen it all, it's best to prevent yourself from overexposure and potential embarrassment for the room attendant.

Should I tip on top of the included 18% gratuity for delivered food?

Generally speaking, I don't tip on top of included gratuity in restaurants or for room service. Some wait staff go above and beyond when setting up a room service meal. In this case I suggest tipping a few dollars in cash rather than adding an amount onto the ticket.

Should Housekeeping be tipped?

Tipping housekeeping is something that has become more prevalent as of late. Showing this appreciation is partly due to the fact that many hotels are cutting back on their cleaning staff and housekeeping employees are having to take on more rooms. A couple dollars a day will suffice. If you leave the room especially messy, I recommend tipping a little more. I also recommend doing a little pickup yourself before leaving the room for the day. Housekeeping doesn't generally interfere with your personal affects, however leaving them scattered all over can make it more difficult for them to properly clean the room.

When is it OK to submit a complaint to management?

There are those who expect five star service at a two star price, and will gladly vocalize these expectations. Please do not allow yourself to fall into this category. Unfortunately, the situation may arise that the essentials of your stay are over-looked or service is sub-par (Items I would include with this are unclean linens, anything that is visibly dirty, a rusted iron, or broken utilities). When this occurs, go to the front desk and ask for management. Patiently explain the problem, taking the approach that you thought it important to inform the hotel of the situation in hopes to prevent this from occurring with future guests, rather than complaining. Do not cause a raucous. A good hotel will provide some recompense for the inconvenience, however do not express that this is expected. If you feel your concerns were not adequately addressed, end the conversation by thanking them for their time, but regrettably you will not be returning for a future stay.

Fly The Friendly Skies. Part One.

2010-07-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

Summer time is a great time to travel. The kids are out of school, the weather's warm, and a little getaway is ever so tempting. There are, of course, some courtesies and etiquette guidelines I'd like to gently remind all you jet setters of out there.

Timing.

Give yourself and your party plenty of time to check in and get to the gate. Rule of thumb is one hour for domestic and two hours for international. Please add a half hour to both estimates if you're traveling out of a notoriously large and busy airport like JFK or LAX.
Waiting will be inevitable. All of the traveling public is going through the same process and standing in line as well. Grumbling about the inconvenience to neighbors or airline staff will not help speed up the process one bit. It also won't make you any friends.

Preparation is key.

Research any new FAA regulations that may be in place prior to leaving home.
Get yourself ready while waiting. Pull out your ID and boarding pass, have your liquids already gathered together in a clear bag, remove bulky clothing and jewelry, separate your laptop from its case.
If you are traveling with little ones, give them a head's up beforehand of what to expect while traveling. The entire process is trying on adults, it can be even harder for youngsters. Prepping them on what to expect at each step of the trip might help. Even better, make a game out of it.
Take the length of your flight and your personal needs into consideration and plan accordingly. Do you get warm easily? Wear layers. Cold? Bring a blanket or sweater. Bothered by light? Have an eye mask handy.

Travel with a polished appearance.

As fashion writer, Derek Blasberg puts it, the airport is one of the last great places to meet single men who can afford to travel, so why show up to your flight looking like a hot mess? I've mentioned the importance of taking pride in one's appearance before, and flying is no exception. Business contacts, romantic contacts, old friends, or gasp, a celeb! can all be found on the same 747 you're about to board. Ditch the Juicy suit and opt for a classic ensemble.
My current go to travel outfit is a pair of jeggings (the comfortable hybrid of jeans and leggings), mid-height heels, a tank top, jacket, and plenty of accessories (jewelry is a light and easy way to dress up one's outfit). I keep in my bag a sweater, hair scarf or hat, sunglasses, and ballet flats.
If you check a bag (which I unfortunately always do), you should also keep an entire change of clothes with you in your carry on. This is in anticipation of the unlikely but unfortunate event that your luggage decides to take a later flight.

Movin' On Up

2010-07-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

After quietly celebrating a year of blog posts, I've decided to step things up with this blog. After all, if you're not moving forward....
Changes and improvements will slowly come about, including a simplified format and name. Millennial Manners has always been the URL here, so it seemed fitting to match the name.

Stay tuned and stay classy,

Going up

2010-06-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Living in an apartment, one thing I spend quite a lot of time in on a daily basis is my building's elevator. I must admit I'm a bit frustrated by the constant lack of courtesy.
For those of us who are frequent riders, may I suggest a few simple guidelines:

If you have called the elevator, upon its arrival please WAIT two seconds after the door has opened to allow any and all passengers to exit. Even if it is 3 AM, there is still a chance someone else is needing to get off the lift and there is nothing more frustrating than running into someone who simply couldn't wait for the doors to open. (as I recall from my days of working in a downtown office, this problem was even more prevalent during rush hour when there is a car full of expectant riders and a car full of those exiting.)
Although we are the generation who is perpetually in a hurry, please remember some consideration for your home and work neighbor. If you see a person out of the corner of your eye rushing to catch the elevator, hold the car. This is especially true when said neighbor is carrying armloads of groceries.
And finally, for some lovely icing on the cake, a small comment or conversation is an easy way to be neighborly. It can be as simple as "Have a nice day." This small token will be appreciated and likely remembered by your fellow passenger.

How to Eat Crab Properly

2010-05-27T10:09:00.007-07:00

The other day, my love and I were out for drinks enjoying a rare sunny afternoon. Through conversation, it occured to us that the coming weekend would commemorate our three year anniversary. We decided to spring for something special as a celebration and made our way to the marina for a seafood extravaganza. We dined on shrimp cocktails, oysters, and a main course of crab.

Though we both thoroughly enjoyed our meals, I couldn't help but notice all the crab meat that had been lost due to my poor execution. If I knew the proper way to eat a whole crab, perhaps the mallet wouldn't have slipped out of my buttery hands and flown across the table. Plus, I really dislike the feeling of not knowing what the heck I'm doing.

With a little research, here is what I have learned:

Pop all legs and claws off at the knuckle. Set aside.
Flip crab so that the hard shell is facing down (put it on its back).
With thumbs in place on both ends, separate shell from body.
Remove guts and goo from center of the body.
Using your knife (and not a mallet, as this crushes the meat and shell) gently separate the body from underlying "soft" shell. This should expose all the meat, finally allowing easy access to your dinner.
When eating legs, it's best to open at the joints, using a knife to gently separate.

For a full tutorial I found this video. I love how serious our young narrator is with producing a You Tube "How To" video while his friends play in the background.

The other element I love about a shellfish dinner, are the accessories one is provided for proper eating. There are not many times past the age of 3 where it is appropriate to wear a bib while dining and wipe your hands on a towelette before leaving the table.

Job Searching Do's and Dont's

2010-04-09T10:10:00.009-07:00

I was recently in the position of reviewing many resume submissions. I found myself surprised at the lack of plain common sense present in the applications I received. It inspired me to create a post for basic resume and interviewing etiquette.

There are fundamental standards every professional should know. This is the art of presenting oneself. As in many social settings, a first impression, whether in person or on paper can make or break your chances for further consideration.

In order to provide expert advice, I turned to an "industry specialist" to provide key points. Allow me to introduce guest blogger, HR professional (and my former boss), Dustin Knievel. He was kind enough to draft some candid and fundamental advice. Each of these tips is based on actual situations he has encountered.

Never, ever, type your resume in all caps. I DON'T NEED YOU SCREAMING AT ME!
If you are light on experience, don't think that typing your resume in a GIANT FONT is going to make that any less noticeable. Just because you filled up a page, doesn't mean you filled it up with quality information.
Select an e-mail address that will give you a professional representation. In most careers, "stoner420" or "mistressleather" are not going to be perceived as being professional.
It is 2010, do not use an objective on your resume. Especially, if your objective is "a challenging role as an Accountant" and you are applying for a Business Analyst job. The reviewer has no choice but to assume that you applied for the wrong job. Thank you for playing....moving on.
Proofread! Proofread! Proofread! PROOFREAD! Did I mention you need to proofread? Your resume and cover letter/e-mail are your personal marketing tools. If you can't take the time to produce a quality product for those documents, are you giving me any reason to believe that you would produce a quality product on the job? Even after you have read it ten times, hand it off to a fresh set of eyes. I guarantee they will find something you overlooked.
If you co-habitate with others and are job searching, make sure that they know you are looking for a job and know how to take messages. The following will not work in your favor "We are really bad at taking messages here. Can you call back and leave a message for her." My reply was "I suggest you get really good at taking messages because this is regarding a job interview and I am not calling back."
I realize that it is a pain to tailor your cover e-mail to a specific job posting. However, it shows that you are interested and willing to go the extra step. One time a candidate mailed her resume and cover letter to me. The cover letter contained blanks in it. For example, I am applying for the position of _____. She was kind enough to fill in the blanks. In pencil nonetheless.
Don't attach your list of demands in your cover letter. "I am willing to work for 40 hours a week at $X.XX; however, I am willing to take $X.XX if you offer full benefits but only if you relocate me from LA to Seattle...." The list went on and on of the demands and conditions. I never read the resume. The cover laid conveyed one thing to me: giant pain in the arse.
Dress appropriately for the interview. Remember that wearing a really short skirt and pulling a Sharon Stone a la "Basic Instinct" during the interview may not score you points with everyone on the interview loop.
NEVER, and I do mean NEVER address a cover letter/e-mail with Dear Sirs. It may not be Sirs in the decision making role. As a matter of fact, many women I know who have worked damn hard to get to where they are and overcome many gender biased obstacles find it very insulting when the assumption is made that it is a man is in the decision making role. Rightfully so, I say! You are better off to use "Dear Hiring Manager" or "Dear Hiring Committee" or "Dear HR Professional" if you don't know the name of the contact.
Remember that from the moment you reach the front desk you are under observation. Everyone you come into contact with is sizing you up to see if you are good fit for the team and the organization. I was in one job for 11 years and we had the same receptionist the entire time. I always asked her for her opinion on the candidates. She was a class act and a professional. If you have the nerve to think you could treat my receptionist as "less than", I have news for you: you WILL NOT advance further in any interview process that I am running. It speaks volumes about how you treat people in general.

Silverware

2010-04-02T10:32:00.005-07:00

If you haven't seen the new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, I highly recommend it! The show is based on famous chef, Jamie Oliver's time spent in Huntington, West Virginia where government reports have identified the city as the unhealthiest town in the United States. Truth be told, my guess is their numbers aren't too far off from the rest of the country's. Americans notoriously have a problem with food and convenience. We have lost the passion for a quality meal and taking the time out of our day to break bread with loved ones.

I mention Jamie Oliver's show specifically for a scene in last week's episode. Jamie served a meal to an elementary school that required a basic set of utensils: fork, knife, and spoon. However, this particular school did not allow kids to use knives and was not accustomed to providing forks. Similar to the chef's reaction, I was shocked!

Though he was able to talk the school into allowing the kids to use a fork and knife, it is quite clear that the children had absolutely no clue how to use either one. Ladies and Gentlemen, this reality is unacceptable. We are depriving the next generation of civility and basic table skills. Fried chicken and pizza pockets are not the answer.

Parents, nannies, babysitters, older siblings, neighbors, anyone who has a child in their life... Take the time to take on this small responsibility. These fundamental abilities will serve kids for life. (And butter knifes, when used correctly, are not a safety hazard) A good friend of mine teaches her sons "Monday Manners." Guess what she focused on a couple weeks ago? Using a knife.

Past & Present

2010-03-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's always wonderful to come across another blog dedicated to the beauty of times past and hope for renewal and reuse in the future. Allow me to introduce the interior design blog Past & Present. It offers great insight to function and design throughout history, while providing inspiration for decor today.

Though there are only a handful of posts, I relish in the dream of an Edwardian English country home while learning about the history of forks.

Past & Present is a subsidiary of the famed Design*Sponge. Bravo for keeping the beauty and history of the past alive!

Gesundheit!

2010-03-24T13:53:00.004-07:00

I found the most quaint thing at Trader Joes today. Though I wasn't in the market for Kleenex, at 99 cents, this little gem couldn't be passed up.

We could all learn a thing or two from this polite box of tissue.

Happy as a Clam

2010-03-18T21:39:00.001-07:00

I received a new etiquette book in the mail today! Although it's not technically an old book (it was printed in 2006), I bought it used off Amazon. To my surprise, the book came from the Spokane Public Library! I guess my new addition was just meant to be! I can't wait to dive into it and share my new insights with you all.

Love Is In the Air

2010-03-18T21:23:00.001-07:00

Dating is a terribly broad term these days. Unlike the expedited courtship of the past, "dating" can refer to anything from a first date to a long term relationship. To respect the uniqueness that exists within a couple (after all, who am I to judge whether or not sweats are appropriate for the weekly Friday night date night?) I want to focus mainly on the etiquette that should exist during the first few dates. This is the time where a first impression, polished appearance, and good manners are truly the most important.

General rules for both parties:

Be punctual. It's disrespectful to keep anyone waiting, especially when you are first getting to know a them. Acknowledge the importance of the date by being ready on time.
Put your phones away. Leave them off the table, heck, leave them at home!
Have a cocktail or two, but don't get smashed. It may be tempting to calm your nerves with adult beverages, but getting drunk will only lead to a slimmer chance of a second date.
Watch your mouth. Swearing like a sailor might work for you, but save your crasser forms of expression for a later stage of the relationship. It just isn’t a turn-on. At all.

Men:

Spend more than five minutes prepping for the date. Shave, deodorize, iron, and suit up (metaphorically speaking)
Be chivalrous. Open her doors, pull out her chair, pay for the meal. Acting like a gentleman is sexy.
If it feels appropriate at the end of the night, make your move and go for the kiss. Being timid and unsure of yourself is a major turnoff.

Don't wait three days to call. If you like the girl, call (don't text) her the next day. Games are for school teams.

Women:

Don't over do your appearance. It's fine to look sexy, but be careful not to show too much.
Eat a normal meal. You won't be fooling anyone by ordering a salad and later binging on an entire pizza after the date has ended. Guys like a girl with an appetite. Enjoy the restaurant's culinary fair and consider sharing dessert!
Don't talk about your cat. It's tempting, I know. After all, Whiskers does the cutest thing when she's in a playful mood. However, I promise he isn't interested. Instead, focus on topics that are mutually interesting to both parties.
After the date has ended, be a modern female, don't be afraid to call him the next day or suggest another date.

Getting Fit in the New Year

2010-01-15T10:59:00.004-08:00

I came across this picture while "researching" for a new post. It was too good not to share.

The caption says "Cooling Draught After a Ten Mile Run." Can you imagine working out in these clothes? And who knew women were allowed to exercise for leisure in 1899?

I'd Like to Make a Toast

2009-12-08T11:41:00.007-08:00

With holiday family dinners and cocktail parties, comes the urge to share gratitude and sentiment to all. While it's wonderful to take a moment to appreciate the evening, there are a few guidelines for toasts to keep in mind:

A toast should be polished, brief, and heartfelt
Stand when speaking
The host or hostess should be the one to give the first toast
Be witty and whimsical. If public speaking is not a strong point, practice a few lines beforehand
Avoid notes and notecards, this isn't a speech
Don't forget your exit: I've heard too many toasts that end with an awkward "So, um, that's all I have to say..." it's anticlimactic and leaves guests hanging. The easiest and most classic exit is to simply raise your glass a tad higher (this will alert the party you are wrapping things up) and give a "Cheers!"
Above all, be yourself

More Table Manners, from Emily

2009-12-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

The great thing about table manners, is that unlike other traditional etiquette which can sometimes feel very stuffy and outdated, the rules of dining still remain the same today.

As an additional visual aid, I came across an old video from the Emily Post Institute, narrated by Mrs. Post herself, on the subject of proper table etiquette.

The audio is a bit muffled, but the overall message still resounds.

Bon Appetit

2009-12-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

Did the formality of last Thursday's Thanksgiving dinner make you want to jump out of your seat and run away? Not to fear, here is a quick review to help us all navigate our way around the china and crystal placed in front of us. It will come in handy for all the holiday festivities lined up in the next few weeks.

The Informal Table Setting

Formal Table Setting

Some other tips for stellar table manners:

Your drinking glasses will always be to the right of your plate, and your bread plate to your left. Remember this by putting the tips of your index fingers to the top of your thumbs, while extending your index fingers straight. Look at the two letters this forms. Your left will show a “b” for bread, while your right a “d” for drink.
I have read conflicting suggestions of placing your napkin on your lap as soon as food or drink first appears (water, wine, bread and butter), or waiting until the hostess places her napkin on her lap. I believe the former is best, as this protects your lap from any potential spills. Commencing the meal, however, should wait until after the entire table is served and the hostess has taken the first bite.
If salad is served with the main course, it is acceptable to use the same fork for both plates.
Cut food into bite sizes as you progress through your course, not all at once in the beginning.
The proper way to eat asparagus is to cut the ends off with a fork and eat the stalk with your fingers.
When you are finished with a course, always place the knife and fork parallel together across the center of the plate. If you are taking a "rest" but are not quite done, criss cross your knife and fork, with the knife blade pointing to the left.
The same placements are used for the spoon and fork during the dessert course.
Your napkin should be placed to the left of your plate when you are done eating. Not on your plate and not in your seat. Try to lay it down as neatly as possible, instead of releasing a crumpled pile of cloth or paper.
Don't get up from the table until your host or hostess rises

Most importantly, enjoy the meal, the company, and the evening!

Excuse Me

2009-11-30T09:25:00.006-08:00

Cold and flu season is upon us. With the added fear of H1N1 flu strain, proper etiquette for an illness and prevention looks more like germaphobia than common courtesy. Companies who, in prior years, may have indirectly communicated the expectation to work while under the weather, are now encouraging employees to work from home or take time off until they feel better. In fact, many health care companies have released reports showing the cost of presenteeism is far greater than absenteeism. In other words, it's cheaper to your employer if you stay home instead of suffering at work. (Keep in mind you are most contagious two to three days after the first cold symptoms appear. You can pass the flu along one day before symptoms develop and up to five days after becoming sick.)

In 1978, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette suggests that "When you sneeze or cough, especially in close quarters on a crowded bus or in an elevator, do it in your handkerchief, with your face turned away from those closest to you. Always say "Excuse me, please" afterward.

These days, if you do find yourself needing to leave the house while feeling unwell, there are additional precautions to take to prevent germs from spreading.

Step out of the room if you need to sneeze or cough

If this isn't possible to do in time, cover your nose or mouth with the crook of your elbow. This will mask germs much better than your hand, and has a lower risk of passing them on.

Although handkerchiefs may still have a place in decorating suit coat pockets and catching a tear or two, during a cold, opt for a disposable tissue for sneezes instead.

Hand washing is the best prevention for spreading germs! Wash, wash, wash!

Hand sanitizer is a good back up to use when a sink is not around. Additionally, use sanitizer wipes to clean off door knobs, counters, hard surfaces, handles, etc

Although traditional etiquette advises otherwise, while under the weather, don't shake anyone's hand. Explain that you are ill and don't want to pass it along. If you have any social commitments, it's best to cancel or reschedule. The hosts or guests should be understanding.

image from Real Simple

You Asked, and I Finally Got Around to Answering

2009-11-12T05:51:00.005-08:00

Two etiquette questions that have been brought to my attention recently:

"How to approach noisy children in a movie theatre," and "What does one tip when picking up take-out at a restaurant?"

Addressing the first question, I'd like to broaden the terms to include not only theatres, but shopping and general public places. There are times and places for children to accompany their families on outings. Shopping, "field trips", eating out, and running errands can be both a treat for the child as well as a learning opportunity to model good manners in public for the youngster (not to mention, that some daily errands can't be planned and childcare is not always available on the spot).
I ran across a suggestion posted on the website of the Pacific Design Center in Los Angeles that I think hits the nail on the head: " We understand that it may be necessary to bring your children to the PDC; however we ask that the atmosphere be respected and that parents be aware of their responsibility."

A child may do well in restaurants but have trouble in stores. Similarly, movies are a place to bring the whole family. However, if your child does not yet have the attention span to sit through an entire film, spare your neighbors ears and be prepared to exit early.

The bottom line is to use good judgement and know your children's limitations.

If you are someone whose meal, movie, or outing is disturbed by a misbehaved junior citizen, the best thing to do is alert management. It isn't an outsider's place to approach the parent of the noisemaker. Mom and dad are well aware of the situation. Management can take the appropriate course of action and gently request the child leave the room, theatre or restaurant until they have calmed down.

Tipping:

It is my personal opinion that tipping has gotten a little out of hand in the past few years. An appropriate 15% has grown to 20, 25, 30 for top notch service, and the number continues to rise. The problem is the food industry assumes customers will be tipping 15 - 20%, and thus the wait and support staff are grossly underpaid in their hourly salary from the restaurant.

In Emily's time, the recommendation was to tip 10% at a first class restaurant if the bill was over $2.50, and a "tip" was a thank you for over the top service.

Oh how times have changed.

Until the restaurant industry provides better pay for their employees, as a customer, it is still proper to tip the expected 20%. This should be part of the cost factored into deciding to eat out.

As for tipping in situations where there is less service, common sense and judgement should come into play. If you are picking up a "to go" order, a 10% tip is a nice thank you for the preparation. If this is a restaurant you frequent, the gesture may be a wise idea to stay in their good graces for future orders.
Other tipping guidelines I use:

At a bar for drinks, I tip a dollar per well or beer drinks, and 15% - 20% for specialty cocktails
$1 per bag on airport shuttle, curbside check, and hotel concierge
A dollar or two for valet
The change returned to me on my coffee order at Starbucks (on a $2.25 drink, leave the .75 cents as a tip)
20% for spa and beauty services
15% in cabs

Always tip in cash (even at a restaurant). Although cash is hardly used anymore, I keep a jar at home with small bills in anticipation of an upcoming hotel stay or trip.

More Tips for the Facebook Forum

2009-10-26T21:53:00.003-07:00

What to do when:

Someone posts or tags a less than flattering photo of you

Email them through Facebook and mention you would prefer the unphotogenic picture be removed. It's also possible to untag yourself in the mean time.

An individual repeatedly sends over a Friend Request (this seems to happen more than expected. Oftentimes, it's a friend of a friend or someone simply looking to add people to his or her profile).

I don't believe it's necessary to send an explanation to the person as to why you aren't interested in making the connection. If a friend request is denied, there is no communication sent over to the sender that you have done so. If the request is sent more than once or twice, my suggestion is to block them. On the blocked end, this will look like your profile is no longer active. If you have mutual friends, your name and pictures from past posts will still be there in an unlinkable form, but any future communication will be invisible.

I have also gotten into the habit of emailing the mutual friends I have with the unknown person who has sent the request. More often than not, there is a domino affect of friend acceptance (my friend didn't know them either but had 5 mutual friends and so accepted the request, and so on).

You, yourself are deleted

If it's someone you didn't know well, try not to take it personally. It might just be that the individual who deleted you is trying to edit down their contacts to those he or she is close to.

If it is someone you knew well (aka someone in "real life"), my suggestion is to email them for confirmation of this decision. Give them the benefit of the doubt that it could be a glitch. If by chance this was done intentionally, at least you have tried to open the lines of communication to discuss any issues.

Someone in your network is posting more updates than you care to read

Simply click to the right of their most recent posting and opt to "hide" them. You will no longer receive any future postings.

A good guideline to follow is not to act on Facebook any differently than you would in person. The separation from interaction provided by our computers often lends itself to things we wouldn't necessarily do or say face to face. My belief and goal is to use social media to enhance communications, not replace it.

Facebook: Computer Friends Deserve Manners too

2009-10-26T08:14:00.005-07:00

It's all too easy to use the Internet as a means to stay in contact with people. In fact, ever since social media became a daily part of most people's lives, the Internet has made it possible to create a habit of monitoring friends and acquaintances without any real interaction at all.

I wanted to address this issue, because I am simultaneously guilty and frustrated with this fact. Admittedly, I'm hesitant to attend my own high school reunion for the simple fact that I'm not a fan of small talk, and Facebook has taken the mystery out of what my classmates have been up to the past ten years.
On a similar note, I try to keep my own FB friends to people I know and have kept in touch with to some degree. I realize that social media can be a great medium for networking and expanding one's connections. At this point, however, I'm taking the old fashioned route and keeping my FB network to personal contacts.

Although Emily Post never dealt with such informal interaction, she did have some things to say about leaving invitations for social occasions:

"A card should always be left with the first invitation to a stranger who has brought a letter of introduction, and it is polite - though not necessary - to ask to be received."

FB Application: When connecting with an old friend, if I am the one who sends out the request, I try to write a few sentences, just to say hello again. If I am on the receiving end of a request without a message, I like to accept the invite with a quick greeting as well. These two steps take only a few minutes and help to keep the connection on Facebook personal.

In terms of making one's place in the community:

"You who are establishing yourself, choose to have the populace look upon you because of your wealth and fashion, or would you wish to be loved, not as a power conferring favors which belong really to the first picture, but as a fellow-being with an understanding heart?"
Emily Post Etiquette 1924

Facebook Application: Is it worth adding as many friends as possible just to appear popular? Or would you rather keep the people connected to you, those who actually know and care about you?

Aside from dealing with the acquisition of friends on Facebook, here are some other helpful tips for relationships, both platonic and romantic alike.

Schooled

2009-09-18T10:03:00.001-07:00

It's that time of year again. The leaves are turning, the weather is cooler and the new school year is well underway.

I find it unfair that children get to be the only ones who get to spend most of their day in a learning environment. As adults we should continue to strive for further education. Since I do a fair amount of writing for work and pleasure (and because I am terrible with any number or math related concept) I thought it would be great to brush up on my rules of grammar and language.

After all, the art of good conversation and writing are essential for proper etiquette.

Today's grammar instruction is featured from William Strunk and E.B. White's essential guide The Elements of Style. Starting at the very beginning; I wanted review the parts of speech. Some of these have long escaped me.

Appositive: A noun or pronoun phrase that renames or adds identifying information to a noun it immediately follows.

My dog, Gatsby, has very short legs.
Colloquialism: A word or expression appropriate to informal conversation but not usually suitable for academic or business writing. Colloquialisms are closely related to slang terms, though not necessarily as informal.

Dude, where's my car?
Compound sentence: Two or more independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or) a correlative (both/ and, either/ or, neither/ nor), or a semicolon.

Grammar may be dull to some, but poor language is annoying to listen to.
Gerund: The -ing form of a verb that functions as a noun.

Writing, Teaching, Beatboxing

The Gracious Hostess

2009-09-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

"In a perfectly managed house, a woman guest, if she so desires, may have breakfast in bed...

The perfect hostess:

The ideal hostess must have so many perfections of sense and character that were she described in full, no one seemingly but a combination of seer and angel could ever hope to qualify. She must first of all consider the inclinations of her guest; she must not only make them as comfortable as the arrangements and limits of her establishment permit, but she must subordinate her own inclinations utterly."

Emily Post Etiquette 1921

Although my establishment is much more limiting than Emily's manor, being a gracious host is important to me and can make all the difference to guests who are visiting. There are simple small steps that can be made to help a visitor feel more at ease, if not more at home.

Try to provide your guest with privacy and some space they can call their own. If you have a guest bedroom, stock it up with clean sheets and plenty of towels in various sizes. Other nice accommodations are closet space or a hanging rack, an bedside clock, reading lamp, regional magazines highlighting things to do in the area, fresh flowers, scented candles, and a pitcher and glass for water. Provide directions around the house to other necessities they may need during their stay: dishware for night snacks, iron and ironing board, remote control for the TV, and how to use the coffee pot. In the kitchen, I try to bake a few items that are easy to grab and tasty for breakfast and snacks (make sure to check with any dietary needs your guests might have though).

If you are sharing a bathroom space, discuss your morning and evening preparatory schedule with them. Offer the bathroom to your guest first, yourself second. In the evenings, try to get your bedtime routine finished early to open the bathroom up to your visitor at their convenience.

Just as you stock the guest bedroom or space, offering toiletries is a nice addition. An array of fancy soaps and shampoos are a nice treat for the retreat. Essentials like Q tips, cotton balls, and an extra toothbrush are also helpful. Kate Spade recommends plenty of Advil on hand with a note "from the hangover fairy" ~ too cute.

If you find you don't have the time, funds or space to turn your pad into a weekend bed and breakfast, keep in mind that a warm home, good food and your company are really all your guests desire.

The Well Dressed Man

2009-08-31T10:59:00.014-07:00

As a follow up to last week's blog, I've been doing some research to outline tips for dressing well, the gentleman's edition. Of course, like the previous post, these tips can be applicable to both sexes.

According to Mr. Paul T. Gilbert of 1921's The Key to Culture, "To be well dressed is the desire of most every normal person. It is often felt that in dress one has the opportunity of expressing one's individuality, and to a certain extent, this is true. Yet so often, this privilege is abused, and it deserves a word of caution.... Those who have the distinction of being well dressed are those who avoid following extreme styles and are more concerned with the quality of material, unnecessary buttons, extreme length or shortness, and tightness of shirts must always be considered in poor taste."

To the modern man, these tips still apply. Though men's apparel tends to be the more traditional of the two genders, there are some habits of modern dress we could benefit from leaving behind.

Pleated pants. The style is dated, and despite popular opinion, they do not give the appearance of a slimmer waistline. More often than not, pleated slacks are purchased too large and thus give the opposite illusion.
Suspenders or a belt, never both.
The Canadian tuxedo. Jeans and jean jackets are like oil and water, the two don't mix together. Period.
Logo/slogan T-shirts. It doesn't matter how funny the shirt may seem at the time of purchase. Exceptions are actual vintage shirts, logos and sayings for companies and teams the wearer is actually affiliated with, and artistic prints (designed by a real bona fide artist).
Undergarments are meant to be just that - under your garments.
Cargo and carpenter pants. These have been out of style since I was in high school.
If it's stained or torn, discard.
Tennis shoes are for sports. They are not all purpose footwear.

Contrary to what Mr. Gilbert claims, there are a handful of guys who can carry an extreme style.

My rule of thumb for trends are: "if you aren't sure whether or not you can pull it off, you probably can't."
You should feel comfortable in the clothes you wear. If you can't own a trendy look, opt for a classic alternative.

Finally, check out this article by Jeffrey Tucker. He walks through the specifics of suit buying, tie tying, and generally looking presentable.

Keeping Up Appearances

2009-08-24T10:47:00.007-07:00

Recently, I have received a reminder of how important it is to have a suitable appearance in public. Working from home hasn't helped matters much for me. Unless I'm going into the office, I hardly wear makeup or nice clothing (the Texas heat doesn't help either). This means that during the day if I need to take a break and run an errand or two, I'm most likely wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants with my hair in a pony tail.

Last week, I ran into a VERY important professional contact on one such occasion. She was a friend of a friend, and this was our first introduction. She was polished from head to toe in couture, I was wearing Bermuda shorts and flip flops. Trying my best to rise above the way I looked, I made an effort to begin a conversation on my interest in her business. I was completely written off. Crushed, I resolved never to be caught in this situation again...

Two days later I ran into her... again. Sadly, I looked no better than I had on our first meeting. I said a quick hello, and shyly continued on my way.

This bring me to today's etiquette guidelines on the importance of looking presentable.

Our vintage advice comes from a 1958 Secretarial and Finishing Course by Nancy Taylor. This four volume set teaches everything from "getting to know yourself", "modeling maneuvers", "sitting correctly", and being beautiful "from your fingers to your toes."

The powder pink pages teach on "How to be Dainty at All Times"

"Men in all walks of life feel instinctively that a girl with glossy hair, clean skin and shiny teeth, who is fresh as a daisy from her head to her toes, is somehow delightfully feminine. And the girl who can keep herself trim as a sailing craft, who shines like a newly minted penny, is apt to look well year after year. For her grooming is the result of a consistent effort to maintain a high standard. And that standard will be good whether she has lots of natural beauty to do with, or little... Let's consider this a small lesson: good grooming will earn you the title of the sweetest girl in town. Once you learn to care for your clothes, you'll be the neatest girl in town!"

Transitioning from the 50s to today, my general rule of thumb (now) is to consider how you look for where you are going. Of course not all destinations require dressing to the nines... maybe just the eights.

However, a good thought to keep in mind: would you be embarrassed to run into anyone? Consider the people you want to make a good impression on: old high school friend, boss or coworker, family member, an crush/ex, or a potential employer. I blew not one but two chances to build a good connection, simply because I wasn't able to give a solid first impression.

Airplane travel may be one of the worst catalysts for improper dressing. Comfort seems to be the main concern, especially on long flights. However, airplanes are one of the most important places to look put together. Many of my friends have made important professional contacts on a flights.

Comfort doesn't have to equate to laziness. I for one, don't have the time or energy to put the whole package together each morning, but a coat of mascara, non-chipped nails, a summer dress, and some accessories are everyday easy and just as comfortable as yoga pants.

Taking pride in one's appearance tells people they take pride in themself, their work and their life.

Alternative Guest Tips:

2009-08-18T06:57:00.002-07:00

In my research for yesterday's post, I found hints for being a proper guest, of the more colorful nature. They were too good not to share.

From Barney's Simon Doonan in 2001's Hampton Living:

Cancel, don't show up, or leave early. People invite guests out in a spirit of misguided enthusiasm and then regret it horribly.
Keep to your room. The old Victorian principle of child-rearing applies to guests as well: They should be neither seen nor heard.
If you must leave your room, laugh raucously at everything your host says. Compliment him on his skin tone and lack of varicose veins. And don't mention his alcohol intake, flatulence, or lack of personal style.
Ignore household vermin and don't comment on the ticks in the backyard.
Give your host a huge gift certificate to Barneys.

And from How to be a Good Houseguest in the New York edition of Daily Candy, June 29, 2000

Summer can mean many things to many people. A carefully thought-out suntan, open-toe sandals, alfresco dining, a reason to scope out a new summer scent, half-day Fridays …

Most important: the weekend getaway.

So unless you’ve got that sprawling pad in East Hampton, you’re probably going to mooch. We suggest you do it properly.

The DailyCandy rules: How to be a good houseguest.

1. Flush.
2. Wear deodorant.
3. Leave the Britney Spears CD at home.
4. Use your own goddamn razor.
5. Pick up your towel off the floor.
6. Don’t go around singing “Time to wake up!” just because you’re up at 8 a.m.
7. Don’t track sand into the house.
8. Don’t complain about your sunburn; it’s your own fault.
9. Leave the cat at home.
10. Save the bad jokes for the office.
11. Put the dishes in dishwasher (silverware heads-up!).
12. Don’t give your parents the phone number.
13. Zima is not an appropriate thank-you-for-having-me gift.

Guest of Honor

2009-08-17T08:31:00.004-07:00

I remember reading an article a few years ago on how to be a proper weekend house guest. The article consisted mainly of tips for guests who are visiting beach or summer homes. Being in college at the time, the only frame of reference I had as a guest was crashing at friend's apartment or sorority house on road trips to various nearby colleges. It was a treat just to have a place of your own, let alone a "weekend home" as well.

This summer, I finally turned the corner. I've had the pleasure of a few experiences where my destination was to someone's vacation home. I found myself trying to think back to this article, looking for tips to be the best possible guest (of course these tips apply as a guest to anyone's home)

While I couldn't locate the original article, I turned to The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952 for some guidance. Some of my favorite points (both ridiculous and applicable)

Organize your luggage well ahead of time. You may need a new piece. Don't arrive in a car looking like a bunch of gypsies, carrying everything in tote bags and shopping bags. Borrow proper luggage if necessary.
Arrange your own transportation to and from the destination home.
Unless they are specifically invited, do not bring your children or pets.
On the subject of children, don't criticize or try to discipline your host's children, even if they desperately need it.
Don't rush out to the kitchen to help with anything and everything. Ask your hostess what helping hand you can extend, and when. If she's experienced in having house guests and has no hired help, she will tell you.

More general guidelines for today:

Discuss the schedule for the time period you are staying. Your host/ess may have an agenda you are not aware of. There may also be times where you, as a guest, are expected to find activities to fill your time.
Be neat and tidy. Whether you are lucky enough to have your own area, or share quarters, keep everything as clean as possible. Remake the bed in the morning, make sure the bathroom sink and counters aren't wet or messy, neatly hang the towels, rinse off or wash your own glasses and dishes, and keep your belongings together. If you don't have a closet or dresser to use, try to keep things near or in your suitcase.
Keep your opinions to yourself. Is something dirty? Spot a spider in your room? Think morning coffee tastes better with half and half instead of the coffeemate your host keeps on hand? While these may just seem like simple conversation items to you, your host may interpret it as criticism.
This is not the time to be fashionably late. Try to be on time for all scheduled group events. It's always extra effort to arrange logistics for more people. Don't be the person everyone is waiting for.
Bring a hostess gift and leave a thank you note. Come with a token of gratitude for your stay. General ideas are flowers, candles, specialty food and wine, a delicacy native to your hometown (coffee from Seattle, specialty cheese from Wisconsin, sour dough cookbook from San Francisco...), or anything specific your host would appreciate. My mom always kept a cabinet full of cards and gifts for just this occasion. Whenever we were invited for dinner or as guests, she had a ready selection to choose from. This is something I'm currently working on building myself. Leave or send a thank you note after your visit.
Don't overstay your welcome. Although everyone may be getting along famously, do not mistake this for an invitation to stay longer. Unless specifically requested by the host, keep to the original schedule of arrival and departure.
Last, leave your area cleaner than you found it. Remove and gather all linens (towels, sheets, etc). Collect them into the pillow cases and place them by the washer and dryer. If possible, wash your own linens and/ or replace them with clean ones. Thoroughly clean the bathroom, sweep your area, and double check for any left items. Chances are your hosts are either expecting new guests, or will be leaving the weekend home themselves soon after.

Quote of the Day

2009-08-04T08:29:00.003-07:00

"Manners must not be stilted, self-conscious, or artificial. Therefore it is dangerous to have one system, or no system. This is apt to cause (dinner - table) insecurity later in life."

From Walter Hoving's Tiffany's Table Manners for Teenagers, 1961

Although this specifically speaks to manners at the table, the same can be said for all etiquette. It is more of an art than a science and always up for interpretation.

(This is also why I rely on many sources for guidelines, from the past to the present. Use the tips that make sense and apply to your life)

Wedding Series: The ceremony is over, now let's party!

2009-08-03T15:21:00.010-07:00

The reception holds more time and money than any other part of the the big day. It also holds the most opportunities for an etiquette faux pas. Receptions have quickly gained the unfortunate reputation of being cheesy. With a bad DJ, never ending money dance, and tough chicken parmesan, it's no wonder. However, when done right, the reception can be what it was always intended to be: An awesome party.

Tables and seating:
"Place cards are not put on any of the small tables. All guests, except the few placed at the two reserved tables (bridal party) sit with whom they please. Sometimes they do so by pre-arrangement, but usually they sit where they happen to find friends_ and room." Emily Post's Etiquette 1924

The same still applies today. Formal receptions with sit down dinners and pre-selected menu items do require table arrangements. If this is the case, let the rule be ALL or NOTHING. A little birdie told me of a wedding she recently attended where the majority of the reception was assigned seating, however she and her party were given choice of one of the two "open seating" tables. (That is almost worse than getting seated with dreaded singles or children!)

Of my friends who did opt for assigned seating, most say if they knew then what they know now, they would not have taken the time to do so. This task is labor intensive, waiting on RSVPs, being careful not to seat old flames or rivals near each other. From my observation, Emily hit it right on the nose: let people seat themselves.

Do me a favor:
We've all come away with them: a tulle bag of jordan almonds, engraved picture frames with the wedding date, metal bells tied with ribbon, wind chimes, and bottles of bubbles. Favors have somehow made their way into the wedding fare, and unfortunately the land fills. The truth is they tend to be a waste of money and the tokens of the day usually get tossed. In an effort to define new etiquette, I am willing to take a stand and say: Don't do it!

Guests are happy enough to be part of a couple's special day. Plus, with digital photography and social media, pictures of the wedding can be accessed almost immediately. I think having these photos and memories of the occasion are favor enough.

For those traditionalists who wish to hold on to the wedding favor, my strong suggestion is to think edible. Candy buffets, late night take away snacks, or an upgrade on liquor will most certainly be a welcome treat to your guests.

Decor to last a lifetime:
Flowers are expensive and it may be tempting to go the silk route, as these blooms are sure to "stay fresh" much longer. With the exception of allergies or using Aunt Edna's vintage arrangement for nostalgic purposes, fresh flowers are a must. There are floral options to suit every budget. Even carnations are making a comeback. In another report from the world of wedding no no's, I heard of a wedding that featured real flowers in the ceremony and silk flowers as table centerpieces. The kicker here is that they were for sale to any guest who was interested. Eek! I was left speechless. Poor choices are no excuse for asking your guests to help out with the bad decor.

A few final notes on receptions:

Please remember to keep the toasts short and sweet (avoid the contagious "open mic night")
Smashing cake on faces hasn't been funny since 1980
Don't push people to do anything they are not comfortable with (dancing, drinking, or bouquet catching)
Speaking of singling out the singles, I would love, love, love to see the garter belt toss classed up a little. I know some people think seeing the groom "roaming" under the bride's skirt for that lacy band using only his teeth is hilarious. I, however, cringe every single time. I think Emily would agree with me, save it for the honeymoon.

Present day photos from Amorologyweddings.blogspot.com

Wedding Series: Gifting the Bride and Groom

2009-08-01T16:46:00.013-07:00

There are no two ways around it: Weddings are expensive. The bride, groom, and their families are putting forth some serious funds for the occasion, the bridal parties are paying a hefty sum for attire, shoes, preparations, etc, and the guests contribute with gifts and showers leading up to the blessed event.

I myself have wondered, through the years, what are the appropriate perimeters around gifting and weddings?

First, of course, we'll check in with what Emily had to say:

"As soon as the invite is received, attendees are to send presents. Wedding presents are all sent to the bride's parent's home and according to the law, are her property. If because of illness or absence, a present is not sent until after the wedding, a short note should accompany it, giving the reason for the delay."

Fast forward fifty years to the guide from Miss Manners On Weddings, she suggests this:

"There is no social form, invitation, or announcement that translates as "present due"... when you accompany someone as their guest or date, but do not know the couple, it is acceptable to be included into your date's gift." Additionally, Miss Manners recommends that guests veer away from cash gifts (how exactly does one determine what the couple/ their wedding worth to you?), and traveling far distances to attend a wedding is not a substitute for a gift (Something that yours truly struggles with, being so far away from friends and family. It's my goal to "be there" and sometimes a struggle to purchase gifts in addition). It is also acceptable to buy something that is not on the registry that you feel will suit the couple well. However, my suggestion is to keep in mind, the couple registered for a reason.

Another pressing question: When attending multiple occasions leading up to a wedding (showers, bachelorette parties, and the wedding itself), how many gifts are appropriate to give?

Through experience and "research" I've come to this conclusion. Showers, by their very definition are for "showering" the bride with gifts to set up her household. Though some things have changed with many couples marrying later in life, it is still customary to arrive at a shower with gift in hand, especially if the planners have arranged a gift theme.

If you are attending more than one shower for the bride, do not feel obligated to bring gifts to multiple occasions. If you feel uncomfortable arriving empty-handed, bring a small memento or personal gift at the additional showers for the bride. Remember, it's the thought that counts.

Last but not least, I have heard that it is acceptable to send a wedding gift to the married couple up to a year after their wedding date. Good etiquette from The Emily Post Institute disagrees. According to them, it is proper and recommended to send a gift before the wedding. There are also many sources who suggest not bringing a gift to the wedding itself, as this can become a hassle to transport and keep track of.

Although I can't speak for all brides (well, since I have never been one, I suppose I can't speak for any of them. However), I will say this: What is important to the couple on their wedding day, is sharing this special moment with the important people in their lives. In the age of consumerism and materialistic value, dare I say that what matters most in life are those that we love and the time we spend with them. Not some silly toaster.

photo from abc.net.au

Wedding Series: What's a Guest to Wear?!?

2009-07-01T08:46:00.007-07:00

According to Good Manners: Simply Told, appropriate attire for attending a wedding in 1930 went something like this:

Morning - "A tailored suit or dress of soft material. The color should be the same as you would choose for street wear. Your hat should match or harmonize. Suede or kid shoes are correct" (I wonder what kid shoes are?)
Afternoon - "An afternoon dress with satin slippers and a more elaborate hat and gloves of a light shade or white."
Evening - "In a church, calls for the usual formal evening costume with light slippers, hosiery and gloves. If you are not going to the reception, a smart afternoon dress is correct."

"Black gloves or dark colors are practical, but not in good taste. Light gloves are ALWAYS BEST."

While styles have certainly changed, those guidelines are still applicable today. Here are some updated tips from Women's Fashion Guide writer Cynthia Nellis

Informal Daytime: Short dress or suit (business attire OK for morning wedding
Informal Evening: Cocktail dress
Semi-Formal Daytime: Short dress or suit
Semi-formal Evening: Cocktail dress
Formal Daytime: Short dress or suit. Hats and gloves optional.
Formal Evening or Black-Tie: Long or dressy short cocktail (beading, glam accessories, wrap)
Ultra-formal or White Tie: Long gown, extra glitz (furs, diamonds, etc.)

The black and white issue: More recently, wearing black to a wedding has become acceptable. Traditionally speaking, this wasn't appropriate, as black is the color for funerals (Emily Post even says that women in mourning are allowed to wear colors on the day of attending a wedding).

While black has become more appropriate, especially for evening weddings, I would still recommend splashing some color into the mix. Wear a pair of bright shoes and matching purse, colorful jewelry, a patterned scarf or pashmina.

White, on the other hand is still very much a faux pas. Even with most brides steering away from a stark "true" white, the look is still reserved for the bride. White dresses with patterns on them may pass... however if there is still some doubt, find something else to wear.

Time is Money

2009-06-30T13:09:00.008-07:00

This posting is based on business communications etiquette for today. I'm shooting from the hip without my etiquette books of yesterday. I'm at work, and after coming across a few too many examples of bad manners in the professional sector this week, I felt that something needed to be said.

Let's talk email:

We know to beware of sarcasm and strong statements, as email and text carry no emotions with them. It is hard for readers to detect the tone intended for the message from the writer. Taking this into consideration, I want to take it one step further. FORMALIZE. Unless you are emailing someone with whom you have a strong personal rapport, leave the jokes, "yeahs", "sures", and slang terms out of your communication. This especially goes for sales efforts.

A quality greeting, introduction, and closing will take you far.

Here is an example of what to avoid. I believe it's supposed to be a pitch letter for this person's business. Having never spoken to him before, it unfortunately went straight into my deleted files.

Dear Carina;

Just wanted to give you a gentle nudge and let you know that even if you do not use us as your caterer, you do need to get your venue location booked. October is the prime time of the year for events and you do not want to procrastinate. Again call me and I can help. Yea yea, I know I don't get no respect.

JoseName Removed Catering

Bad grammar, unclear message, and jokes? No thank you. The beauty of email is you can take the time to review and edit your message before sending. In my book, this means no room for error.

Another sales email I received recently was from a publisher. After requesting a media kit, I received SIX attachments. This left me with having to take the time to go through each and every attachment, only to find that most of the information was useless to me, and what I had specifically requested was missing. Email is supposed to be about convenience. If you are creating more work for another, skip it. Either call them, or streamline to create ease (when I was applying for writing positions, the first lesson I learned was not to send my writing samples as attachments. Instead, I created a website and posted everything there. This way I could send one clean link with my cover letter).

My last tip in this post for the modern worker bee is to remember, at work, always put your best foot forward. My good friend Megan once said, "Treat everyday like an interview." Hard words to live by, yes, but something that will provide reward in the long run.

Quote of the Day

2009-06-24T12:10:00.004-07:00

The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. ~Gabirol

I will remind myself this as I continue to hear my office mate next door burp aloud.

photo from thenonconsumeradvocate.wordpress.com

Ring My Bell: Telephone Etiquette

2009-06-22T10:37:00.005-07:00

Call Waiting

It is one of my greatest telephone pet peeves when the person you are calling answers their phone with "Hey can I call you right back?"
I can't think of anything more frustrating than being cut off before having the chance to speak. This, my friends is why voicemail was invented. Let the caller leave a message and return their call when you do have time to talk (within one day, please).

Here is what Kate Spade has to say on the subject:

"Unless you are expecting a call, let the second call go into voicemail. If however, you decide to answer a call, it should be done only to inform Caller #2 that you will return the call. If you are in the middle of a serious conversation, don't pick up call waiting." Manners 2004

I would suggest taking this one step further, unless you are waiting on news (from family, pending emergency, babysitter, etc), don't put your current caller on hold to pick up the second call. Caller ID allows you to see who is calling, which enables you to screen whether the second call is important.

It should also be mentioned that this can be applied if you are in an inconvenient location to speak on your mobile (noisy places, at risk to lose signal, etc). I let the call go in to voicemail and quickly send a text explaining the situation and that I will call them as soon as I can. This relays the message without cutting them off mid sentence.

If you feel the all calls must be answered, try to remember that your caller has no idea you have someone else on the line or cannot talk at length at the moment. Allow them to greet you, communicate why they are calling and when there is an appropriate pause for your response, explain that this isn't the best time to talk and you will call them back.

Quote of the Day

2009-06-22T09:42:00.002-07:00

"You can pay for school but you can't buy class"

Jay-Z

Amen brother

Allow Me to Introduce

2009-06-18T20:37:00.004-07:00

Making proper introductions seemed like the most appropriate place to start for my first post. There are two things worth addressing when meeting or introducing people.

First the handshake.

Emily suggests “ When gentlemen are introduced to each other, they always shake hands.” This is still applicable today; a firm, short, handshake is appropriate. This rule is also fitting for two women who are introduced.

“When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, she generally merely smiles, bows slightly and says: ‘How do you do!’ Strictly speaking, it is her place to offer her hand or not, as she chooses; but if he puts out his hand she of course gives him hers. Nothing could be more ill – bred than to treat curtly any overture made in spontaneous friendliness”

This obviously sounds outdated; however, there is some truth that still stands here. First and foremost the limp hand is an absolute no. Men, women’s hands will not crumble under your strength. Please offer the same firm grip, if not ever so slightly adjusted, to women counterparts. They will survive, I promise. Likewise, for all the ladies out there, a floppy fish hand does nothing for your first impression. Assert yourself. This goes for the half – hand handshake as well. He’s not going to kiss your hand (and if the guy does… don't hesitate, run! you’re treading awfully close to “that guy” water).

Here’s the exception, where Mrs. Post’s tip still applies. If you’re given a flimsy grip from the person you’re being introduced to, match the shake instead of “firming it up”. This would be the “friendly” thing to do by not correcting what you’ve been offered.

What to say during an introduction

I’m not going to delve specifically into what to say… formal introductions in formal settings, and informal when informal… you get the picture.

"When to make an introduction – A small group of people who are sitting together anywhere, partners at dinner, the guests at a house party (or any party), and a late comer to a group of already gathered people."

How many times has this happened to you, a friend joins a conversation you have been having with someone you just met. Clearly an introduction is in order, but what if you forgot the new person’s name?

I find myself here all the time. I’m terrible with names. What's more, I always question whether I heard/ remembered a name right. With a name like Carina, I’ve been called Catrina or Corinne too many times. It’s annoying but I don’t usually correct the person. Although Emily suggests otherwise (“Never introduce one person to another by saying “my friend,” it implies Mrs. Smith is ‘my friend and you are a stranger’”) my suggestion is to present your friend and leave it open ended. Ninety – nine percent of the time, the new person will take the liberty of filling in the gap and introduce themselves. Take this escape as a second chance to remember and repeat their names, never making the slip up with this person again.

Quote of the Day

2009-06-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

"Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely necessary"

- Will Cuppy, author of

What Would Emily Do?

2009-06-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

The blog has officially begun! The idea came to me a week or so ago, and I haven't wasted any time getting it going.

Our mothers and grandmothers used to attend finishing school and charm classes to learn manners, culture, and communication skills, but we are a generation influenced by texting, social networking, and reality TV shows which portray human behavior at its worst. Although many "rules" have changed over the years, their original intentions still apply.

This blog's goal is to use etiquette guidelines of the past and apply them to today's society. From the coworker burping in the office next door, to the pedestrians lolly gagging on the jogging trail, and the tricky questions we all wonder, like "Do I really have to wait until Memorial Day to wear white?" (my mom would still argue yes) or "Is wearing black to a wedding poor form?" I plan on addressing any and every issue that could stand some clarity and class.

I also want to welcome questions and topic suggestions for posts. Feel free to comment your questions or email me at carina.vanson@gmail.com.